"What's the Problem Officer?"
These 16 Police comments were purportedly taken off actual police car videos from around the country:
#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "How big were those, 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
Moderator: S2k Moderators
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TexasStooge
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TreasureIslandFLGal
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Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
#1- "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't!"
OH, SNAP!!!!
Just kidding!! 
OH, SNAP!!!!
Just kidding!!
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TexasStooge
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As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Tampa Bay Hurricane
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Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THat was awesome
texasstooge!!!!!
texasstooge!!!!!
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TexasStooge
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A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast-food restaurant. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our teeth."
_________________________________________________________________________
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50-50."
The young man asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use our teeth."
_________________________________________________________________________
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
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TexasStooge
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One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
_______________________________________________________________________
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.
However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.
Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.
At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.
Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
_______________________________________________________________________
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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TexasStooge
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A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the VW owner says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the VW owner.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the VW owner.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the VW owner replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the right Volkswagen beetle.
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
======================
(It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the VW owner, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
"The VW owner exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the VW owner says.
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?" asks the VW owner.
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the VW owner.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the VW owner replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the right Volkswagen beetle.
Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
======================
(It's ok... The joke is CLEAN.)
======================
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the VW owner, "What's up?"
"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
"The VW owner exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?"
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TexasStooge
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We Do Things Differently Down South...
Kentucky:
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Proper Job Placement...
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
Kentucky:
The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
You gotta love those Kentucky women.
Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana State was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number.
Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
_______________________________________________________________________________________
Proper Job Placement...
Methods from Human Resources...
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
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TexasStooge
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School Is Out For Summer...
And then it wasn't. And just like that it was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends. THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke: "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross".
And the other one is "cool".
Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...
"So, what are they?"
And then it wasn't. And just like that it was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends. THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke: "From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross".
And the other one is "cool".
Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...
"So, what are they?"
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TexasStooge
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This lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out. She had a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The bum replies, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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One night on a lonely country road a Flying Saucer landed at a petrol station. The two aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about possible detection. In fact, the letters 'UFO' were boldly emblazoned on one side of their silvery craft. As the station owner stood gawking in amazement and nearly paralysed by the shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the aliens as they took off.
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see space mutants in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"And didn't you see those letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Are you tellin Me you don't know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means -
...it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'"
________________________________________________________________
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand. You need a television."
"Do you realise what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see space mutants in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"And didn't you see those letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Are you tellin Me you don't know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means -
...it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'"
________________________________________________________________
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied,
"I understand. You need a television."
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
________________________________________________________________
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"
________________________________________________________________
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi consented to help, came over, and he and the priest entered the confessional. A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
"I committed adultery," s aid the woman
"How many times?" asked the priest.
"Three times," replied the woman.
"Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," the priest instructed.
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked the priest.
"I committed adultery," said the man.
"How many times?"
"Three times," replied the man.
"Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," said the priest.
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked the Rabbi.
"I committed adultery," said the woman.
"How many times?" asked the Rabbi.
"Once," said the woman.
"Go do it two more times," said the Rabbi. "We have a special this week, three for $5."
________________________________________________________________
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I'd been hanging out with?"
The rabbi consented to help, came over, and he and the priest entered the confessional. A few minutes later, a woman comes in and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks, "What did you do?"
"I committed adultery," s aid the woman
"How many times?" asked the priest.
"Three times," replied the woman.
"Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," the priest instructed.
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked the priest.
"I committed adultery," said the man.
"How many times?"
"Three times," replied the man.
"Say three Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more," said the priest.
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
"What did you do?" asked the Rabbi.
"I committed adultery," said the woman.
"How many times?" asked the Rabbi.
"Once," said the woman.
"Go do it two more times," said the Rabbi. "We have a special this week, three for $5."
________________________________________________________________
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
"Sure is, Bubba."
"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"
"Yep."
"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"
"Well, I was thinkin . . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I'd been hanging out with?"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention.
I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. "Great, just great", I muttered.
The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me.
He was a dwarf.
He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"
________________________________________________________________
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington , PLUS, they then tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country......Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
2. THE CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys; it has worked for over 200 years..... and we're not using it anymore.
3. TEN COMMANDMENTS - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this...You cannot post:
"Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie", in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. "Great, just great", I muttered.
The driver opened his door........leaned out of his car and stared at me.
He was a dwarf.
He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as I rolled down my window.
He said, "I'm not happy"...
To which I replied, "Well..... which one are you then?"
________________________________________________________________
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...
1. COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. COWS - Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a single cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington , PLUS, they then tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country......Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
2. THE CONSTITUTION - They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys; it has worked for over 200 years..... and we're not using it anymore.
3. TEN COMMANDMENTS - The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this...You cannot post:
"Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie", in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business.
The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however, right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Two Women Talking in Heaven:
1st Woman: Hi! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. I went through each closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however, right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court. As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Two Women Talking in Heaven:
1st Woman: Hi! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and then down into the basement. I went through each closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
____________________________________________________________________________________
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Today is Mental Health Day! Do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
____________________________________________________________________________________
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Today is Mental Health Day! Do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend.
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
Meet My Cat...
Hello. My name is Sita, and my pets' names are Sandy, Joel, and Judy. They are the ones who give me food when ordered to, though they are a bit slow and often need to be reminded several times. I try to make the rules clear, but their comprehension is so limited. They have been telling me that you creatures don't understand our straightforward communications and that you prefer this complicated mess you call speech. Here is my first attempt to relay critical information to you using that medium; please respond and let me know how I'm doing.
These are the Rules; please familiarize yourselves with them thoroughly:
Petting:
This is permitted when I am in the mood. Be warned that my mood changes from moment to moment. When I wish you to stop, I will issue a warning look, or perhaps a firm pat with my closed paw. Please take the hint; after that first warning it can get ugly.
Combing:
Not permitted. Don't even think about it. I do a fine job of my own hygiene, thank you.
Chasing Strings & Stuff:
When I was young & foolish, I used to indulge you sometimes with this human game. I am now mature and have more important matters to attend to. Like naps.
The Sandbox:
Please keep it clean. I hate having to poop on the bare floor because someone's not doing his job.
The Patio Door:
Should remain open at all times, regardless of the weather. I've tried to explain this. Humans don't understand the simplest things. When I am inside sitting by the door and speak my command to you, it means open the door. You seem to get that, but then after I've gone through it you CLOSE it again? How dumb are you? Then I repeat the command, understandably, from the outside. You open it again and then what? As soon as I go through, it's closed. Sometimes I've tried NOT going through after commanding the door open, but you just close it anyway. We need to work on this one.
The Window:
This was obviously put there for me to see when there is a dangerous invader, in the form of another cat, on the other side of it. It's quite the clever invention, actually. It serves the purpose as well of thudding in a most satisfying way when I hurl myself against it, growling menacingly at the intruder. Please do not be alarmed by this; I am only protecting our territory.
Airlines Tags:
Forget about catnip. These are the real treat. Biting and licking them is so satisfying.
However, I do not appreciate your taking these objects with you and leaving me here to contend with catsitter pets. The latter are inferior in quality and will simply not do. Good help is clearly hard to come by.Please leave the tags in place for me instead of going out for new ones.
The Car:
Whoever came up with this infernal machine should be kept awake all night with catfights. And his (or her) clothes should be left on the couch to accumulate infinite sheddings. They should be cared for by catsitters forever.
I think I've spent quite enough time at this. If there are any errors in the text, you may attribute them to my pet's inadequate translation or transcription abilities. I shall attend to more important matters, now that it's dark out. If you should happen by you may see me through the window, keeping watch.
-Sita
Hello. My name is Sita, and my pets' names are Sandy, Joel, and Judy. They are the ones who give me food when ordered to, though they are a bit slow and often need to be reminded several times. I try to make the rules clear, but their comprehension is so limited. They have been telling me that you creatures don't understand our straightforward communications and that you prefer this complicated mess you call speech. Here is my first attempt to relay critical information to you using that medium; please respond and let me know how I'm doing.
These are the Rules; please familiarize yourselves with them thoroughly:
Petting:
This is permitted when I am in the mood. Be warned that my mood changes from moment to moment. When I wish you to stop, I will issue a warning look, or perhaps a firm pat with my closed paw. Please take the hint; after that first warning it can get ugly.
Combing:
Not permitted. Don't even think about it. I do a fine job of my own hygiene, thank you.
Chasing Strings & Stuff:
When I was young & foolish, I used to indulge you sometimes with this human game. I am now mature and have more important matters to attend to. Like naps.
The Sandbox:
Please keep it clean. I hate having to poop on the bare floor because someone's not doing his job.
The Patio Door:
Should remain open at all times, regardless of the weather. I've tried to explain this. Humans don't understand the simplest things. When I am inside sitting by the door and speak my command to you, it means open the door. You seem to get that, but then after I've gone through it you CLOSE it again? How dumb are you? Then I repeat the command, understandably, from the outside. You open it again and then what? As soon as I go through, it's closed. Sometimes I've tried NOT going through after commanding the door open, but you just close it anyway. We need to work on this one.
The Window:
This was obviously put there for me to see when there is a dangerous invader, in the form of another cat, on the other side of it. It's quite the clever invention, actually. It serves the purpose as well of thudding in a most satisfying way when I hurl myself against it, growling menacingly at the intruder. Please do not be alarmed by this; I am only protecting our territory.
Airlines Tags:
Forget about catnip. These are the real treat. Biting and licking them is so satisfying.
However, I do not appreciate your taking these objects with you and leaving me here to contend with catsitter pets. The latter are inferior in quality and will simply not do. Good help is clearly hard to come by.Please leave the tags in place for me instead of going out for new ones.
The Car:
Whoever came up with this infernal machine should be kept awake all night with catfights. And his (or her) clothes should be left on the couch to accumulate infinite sheddings. They should be cared for by catsitters forever.
I think I've spent quite enough time at this. If there are any errors in the text, you may attribute them to my pet's inadequate translation or transcription abilities. I shall attend to more important matters, now that it's dark out. If you should happen by you may see me through the window, keeping watch.
-Sita
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
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Two Older Gentlemen, Roger and Chuck, met in their park every day to feed The pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Roger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Roger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at their park, Chuck didn't know where Roger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Roger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Roger! Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Roger, what in the world happened to you?"
Roger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Roger said, "you know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
And ...the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
________________________________________________________________
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas , TX.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ."
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Roger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at their park, Chuck didn't know where Roger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Roger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Roger! Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Roger, what in the world happened to you?"
Roger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Roger said, "you know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
And ...the Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
________________________________________________________________
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Dallas , TX.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings.
It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ."
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Not Your Mama's Chili...
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
____________________________________________________
The Best Way To Pray...
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
____________________________________________________
The Best Way To Pray...
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while, when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So he kicked out the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
No, the duck didn`t say THAT. Don't be disgusting.
The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!"
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"
Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So he kicked out the loon.
Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....
No, the duck didn`t say THAT. Don't be disgusting.
The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE!"
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