Finding Love When It's Freezing...
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow she didn't have very good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's, concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants down". And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Tonight Show.
________________________________________________________________
Legal Misunderstandings...
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
Moderator: S2k Moderators
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TexasStooge
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Marriage, Marriage...and more Marriage...
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
-Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-Patrick! Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous
____________________________________________________________________________________
The Second Christmas Joke Of The Year...
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do.
He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
(Groan...)
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
-Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
-Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
-Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
-Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-Anonymous
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
-Henny Youngman
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
-Sam Kinison
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.
-James Holt McGavran
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
-Patrick! Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
-Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
-Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
-Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
-Anonymous
____________________________________________________________________________________
The Second Christmas Joke Of The Year...
As you know, it is very important for Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know they are there. One Christmas Eve Santa Claus landed on a rooftop and suddenly he heard a very loud, "Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know which one it was. It happened again, only louder this time. "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighbourhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on all over the neighbourhood and some people even stuck their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to deliver another present until the reindeer who is making funny noises with his nose steps forward and apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is and I have written your name on this paper. But I want to give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did the only thing he could do.
He read off the rude-nosed reindeer...
(Groan...)
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
What's the Weather?
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation In South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
______________________________________________________
A Very Special Christmas Present...
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
It was already late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation In South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the Weather Service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "Because the Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
______________________________________________________
A Very Special Christmas Present...
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."
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TexasStooge
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- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
A Mens-Only Weight Loss Program...
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
________________________________________________________________
Cliches and Conundrums...
"You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this. Edison and Einstein are the exception.
"The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.
"You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
"Everything Comes in Threes"
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
"Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.
"It Takes Two to Tango"
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.
"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another"
No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
________________________________________________________________
Cliches and Conundrums...
"You Learn Something New Every Day"
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you've just learned it doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this. Edison and Einstein are the exception.
"The Sky's The Limit"
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.
"You Get What You Pay For"
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you'll find that you get whatever they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.
"Everything Comes in Threes"
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three "ones" come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.
"Nice Guys Finish Last"
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can see how limited those people were.
"If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you've seen one, you've seen ... one. If you've seen them all, *then* you've seen them all. I don't even understand how this one got started.
"It Takes Two to Tango"
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.
"If It's Not One Thing, It's Another"
No, not always. Sometimes if it's not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.
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TexasStooge
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A Mother's Night Before Christmas...
'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode,
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo Wii and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, "
she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy,
watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream come true! "I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night
through! "
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right.
____________________________________________________________________________________
20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus...
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy.
" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
____________________________________________________________________________________
Santa Is A Woman?
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
'Twas was the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode,
only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo Wii and Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, "Now what's the matter?"
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
she descended the stairs, and saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug.
"Oh great," muttered the mom, "Now I have to clean the rug."
"Ho-ho-ho!" cried Santa, "I'm glad you're awake."
"Your gift was especially difficult to make."
"Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone."
"Exactly!" he chuckled, "I've made you a clone."
"A clone?" she asked, "What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I've no time for chit-chat."
The mother's twin. Same hair, same eyes,
same double chin. "She'll cook, she'll dust, "
she'll mop every mess. You'll relax, take it easy,
watch The Young & the Restless." "Fantastic!" the mom cheered.
"My dream come true! "I'll shop. I'll read., I'll sleep a whole night
through! "
From the room above, the youngest began to fret.
"Mommy?! I scared... and I 'm wet."
The clone replied, "I'm coming, sweetheart."
"Hey," the mom smiled, "She knows her part."
The clone changed the small one, and hummed a tune,
as she bundled the child, in a blanket cocoon.
"You the best mommy ever. " I really love you."
The clone smiled and sighed, "I love you, too."
The mom frowned and said, "Sorry, Santa, no deal. "
That's my child's love, she's trying to steal."
Smiling wisely Santa said, "To me it is clear, "
Only one loving mother, is needed here."
The mom kissed her child, and tucked her into bed.
"Thank you, Santa, " for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won't be very long,
when they'll be too old, for my cradle-song."
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, "It works every time."
With the clone by his side Santa said, "Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, Mom, You'll be all right.
____________________________________________________________________________________
20 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus...
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy.
" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
____________________________________________________________________________________
Santa Is A Woman?
I think Santa Claus is a woman ... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened ... having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men ...
* Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
* Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Guy
* Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Ditto
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
One Day After Christmas...
It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.
It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.
I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.
______________________________________________________
Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents...
10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
wow -- Q- Tips".
9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving
wrapping paper.
8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're
Cheap!!!".
5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on
E-Bay.
4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.
3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
convert to Islam.
2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"
It's one day after Christmas
I'm crabby and I'm broke.
I'm so full of ham and fruitcake
I think I'm gonna croak.
It's nice to see the relatives
I wonder when they'll leave.
They've been camping in my bathroom
since early Christmas Eve.
They're eating everything in sight
and sleeping in my bed.
I been sacked out in the basement
with my beagle, Fred.
The relatives have all gone out
and left their screaming brats.
The toilet bowl is all plugged up
and I can't find the cat.
It's Christmastime at my house,
the relatives are here.
They eat me out of house and home.
and drink up all my beer.
I love the decorations,
and the sleigh bells in the snow
But I wish those pesky relatives
would take their kids and go.
Those cookie crunchers fed the dog
a twenty pound rib roast.
His feet are sticking in the air
like skinny old fence posts.
Now they're in a free-for-all,
the girls against the boys.
They're fighting over boxes
'cause they're bored with all their toys
My mother-in-law is snoring
in my favorite TV chair.
Those kids are stringing lights on her
and tinseling her hair
I oughta wake her up
before the fireworks begin.
But I wanna see those blue sparks fly
when they plug her in.
______________________________________________________
Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents...
10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh
wow -- Q- Tips".
9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving
wrapping paper.
8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're
Cheap!!!".
5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on
E-Bay.
4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him
two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.
3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to
convert to Islam.
2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Free Drinks For Everybody!
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!"
"What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender.
"No way...you get violent when you drink."
________________________________________________________________
New Year Resolutions For Pets...
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!
________________________________________________________________
Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party...
1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed.
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones.
3. There's a "Happy 2007" sticker on the packet of shrimp you've been eating all night.
4. It's January 6th.
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm.
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000.
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop.
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer.
________________________________________________________________
Alternative Affirmations for the New Year...
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk comes in a says, "Drinks all around, except for you bartender!"
"What, no drink for me?" asks the bartender.
"No way...you get violent when you drink."
________________________________________________________________
New Year Resolutions For Pets...
15. I will not eat other animals' poop.
14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows.
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT'S HAND!
________________________________________________________________
Signs You're At A Bad New Year's Eve Party...
1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed.
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones.
3. There's a "Happy 2007" sticker on the packet of shrimp you've been eating all night.
4. It's January 6th.
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm.
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000.
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop.
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer.
________________________________________________________________
Alternative Affirmations for the New Year...
1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.
2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.
6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.
7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.
8. I am at one with my duality.
9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.
10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.
11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.
12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"
13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.
15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future?
16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.
17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
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-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Courage and Bravery For Life...
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman."
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
________________________________________________________________
The Salary Theory...
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
________________________________________________________________
Ten Signs You Had Too Much Fun Last Night...
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still.
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"On a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of macho bikers who were threatening a young woman."
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
________________________________________________________________
The Salary Theory...
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
________________________________________________________________
Ten Signs You Had Too Much Fun Last Night...
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still.
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
The Nitty Gritty Dictionary...
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
A Senior Moment
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Some Horrible Language
A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says the man.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies.
"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!"
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
A Senior Moment
An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.
The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend suggest "The poppy?"
"No, no, no" growls the man.
"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Some Horrible Language
A man goes to the confessional and begins "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks back."Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?" "No, Father," says the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again. "Well, no," says the man.
"You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," the man replies.
"As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. As it passed over a a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
The Priest sighs, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!"
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
When Time Talks...
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
________________________________________________________________
Totally Useless Facts...For your procastinationing pleasure!
The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.
Ham radio operators got the term "ham" coined from the expression "ham fisted operators," a term used to describe early radio users who sent Morse code (i.e., pounded their fist).
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.
Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.
Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.
The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun.
The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoronuk- upokaiwhenuakitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA.".
Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.
When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.
Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways...
________________________________________________________________
Hello Mother, Hello Father...
A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.
So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the New York Knicks!"
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They never beat anybody."
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "Its not a gong. Its a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch", the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "Hey, jerk! It's one-fifteen in the morning!"
________________________________________________________________
Totally Useless Facts...For your procastinationing pleasure!
The "pound" key on your keyboard (#) is called an octotroph.
The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat.
The "dot" over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
Table tennis balls have been known to travel off the paddle at speeds up to 160 km/hr.
Pepsi originally contained pepsin, thus the name.
The original story from "Tales of 1001 Arabian Nights" begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy."
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Honey is the only natural food that is made without destroying any kind of life. What about milk you say? A cow has to eat grass to produce milk and grass is living.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The volume of the Earth's moon is the same as the volume of the Pacific Ocean.
Cephalacaudal recapitulation is the reason our extremities develop faster than the rest of us.
Spiral staircases in medieval castles are running clockwise. This is because all knights used to be right-handed. When the intruding army would climb the stairs they would not be able to use their right hand which was holding the sword because of the difficulties of climbing the stairs. Left-handed knights would have had no troubles, except left-handed people could never become knights because it was assumed that they were descendants of the devil.
Ham radio operators got the term "ham" coined from the expression "ham fisted operators," a term used to describe early radio users who sent Morse code (i.e., pounded their fist).
The slogan on New Hampshire license plates is "Live Free or Die." These license plates are manufactured by prisoners in the state prison in Concord.
Chinese Crested dogs can get acne.
Hydrogen gas is the least dense substance in the world, at 0.08988g/cc.
Hydrogen solid is the most dense substance in the world, at 70.6g/cc.
Each year there is one ton of cement poured for each man woman and child in the world.
The house fly hums in the middle octave key of F.
The only capital letter in the Roman alphabet with exactly one end point is P.
The giant red star Betelgeuse has a diameter larger than that of the Earth's orbit around the sun.
The longest place name still in use is: Taumatawhakatangihangaoauauotameteaturipukakapikimaungahoronuk- upokaiwhenuakitanatahu--a New Zealand hill.
Los Angeles's full name is: "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Poriuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "LA.".
Only 1 in 2,000,000,000 will live to be 116 or older.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
According to Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity, it is possible to go slower than light and faster than light, but it is impossible to go the speed of light. Also, there is a particle called tackyon which is supposed to go faster than light. This means if you fire a tackyon beam, it travels before you fire it.
When you tie a noose, the rope is wrapped twelve times around because it's the same length as a persons head.
Hummingbirds are the only animal that can fly backwards.
A cat's jaw cannot move sideways...
________________________________________________________________
Hello Mother, Hello Father...
A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.
So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No." said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh no," cried the boy, "he beats me too."
Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the New York Knicks!"
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They never beat anybody."
0 likes
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
The Moral of the Story...
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Brandon raised his hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Brandon."
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"
________________________________________________________________
Pet Rules...
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
________________________________________________________________
I Love L.A...We Love It!
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Brandon raised his hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
"That was a fine story Brandon."
Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!"
________________________________________________________________
Pet Rules...
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't want to wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
________________________________________________________________
I Love L.A...We Love It!
A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Funny. Short. Different.
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labor.
________________________________________________________________
In Your Sunday Best...
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea,"replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked
"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labor.
________________________________________________________________
In Your Sunday Best...
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.
"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea,"replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked
"You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist!
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Re: All Together Now: GROAN!!! (Season 2)
You Have Two Cows...
DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Many are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter...
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
My Good Ol' Dog...
On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, 'Your dog seems to be in heat.'
The bumpkin replies, 'No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree.'
The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'.'
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,
'Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog.'
DEMOCRACY
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Many are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
An Application For Permission To Date My Daughter...
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE THE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:
______________________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
______________________________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, AND RED HOT POKERS.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature
_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
__________________________________________________________________________________________
My Good Ol' Dog...
On a hot summer day, a country bumpkin came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The bumpkin said that it was his. The policeman said, 'Your dog seems to be in heat.'
The bumpkin replies, 'No way dog's in heat...she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree.'
The policeman says, 'No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' the bumpkin says, 'dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'.'
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; 'NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!'
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says,
'Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog.'
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Murphy's Ten Laws of Computers...
10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
5. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
and Murphy's Number One Law of Computing. . . . .
1. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
________________________________________________________________
The Secret To A Happy Marriage...
A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but oneday the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
10. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
9. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
8. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
7. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
6. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
5. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
4. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
3. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
2. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.
and Murphy's Number One Law of Computing. . . . .
1. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
________________________________________________________________
The Secret To A Happy Marriage...
A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but oneday the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
0 likes
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
So Much Snow...
One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
________________________________________________________________
Soul Seeking At A Cemetery...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the manhobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of theLord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
________________________________________________________________
Acting Your Age...
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
________________________________________________________________
Soul Seeking At A Cemetery...
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day,two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the manhobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of theLord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
________________________________________________________________
Acting Your Age...
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
0 likes
-
JonathanBelles
- Professional-Met
- Posts: 11430
- Age: 35
- Joined: Sat Dec 24, 2005 9:00 pm
- Location: School: Florida State University (Tallahassee, FL) Home: St. Petersburg, Florida
- Contact:
-
TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Competitive Conversion...
A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion an confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
A priest, a Southern Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became as gentle as lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion an confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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TexasStooge
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- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
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Top Ten Drawbacks To Working in a Cubicle...
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
and the Number One Drawback to Working in a Cubicle. . . . .
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though.)
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
and the Number One Drawback to Working in a Cubicle. . . . .
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though.)
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Serious Swimming...
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker.
About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied,
"I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
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TexasStooge
- Category 5
- Posts: 38127
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2003 1:22 pm
- Location: Irving (Dallas County), TX
- Contact:
Doctor! Doctor! Give Me The News!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor Who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could come used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
_____________________________________________________________
Three Government Contractors...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor Who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could come used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
_____________________________________________________________
Three Government Contractors...
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, from Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!
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