Weekend Funnies - The Best of Late Night

[TexasStooge]

"Great news for New York City garbage men: They can now wear shorts in the summer. It’s all part of the mayor’s plan to beautify the city. I know what you’re thinking: New York City has garbage men?"

-David Letterman



"The Democrats have announced there will be no fried foods at their conventions. Hooray! That means Al Gore won’t be there."

-Craig Ferguson



"Bill Clinton is campaigning for Obama. President Bush is campaigning for McCain. And I’m thinking, 'Wow. This could really be the year for Ralph Nader.'"

-David Letterman



"The networks always run these fireworks safety videos to make sure no one has any fun on the Fourth of July. I know they’re supposed to make us scared of fireworks, but after seeing them I feel this intense desire to blow something up. The only thing we learn from these videos is it’s a bad time of year to be a mannequin."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Government figures released by President Bush show we are not in a recession. Unless, of course, you have to buy gas or food or some other luxury item . . ."

-Jay Leno



"Barack Obama has started a fashion craze in Italy. Italian designers have taken his look and they’re turning it into fashion. Don’t sell John McCain short — he’s also influencing fashion. He has popularized the 'something on your chin' look."

-David Letterman



"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are going to be in a movie together. They’re doing a movie called, 'What the Hell Are They Saying?'"

-Craig Ferguson



"Scientists have come up with a pill that makes you less shy. It makes you more outgoing; it gives you more personality. And I’m thinking, 'Great — now I have to bring two pills on a date.'"

-David Letterman



"An interesting study was released today. People in California are less convinced there is a God than people of any state in the country. On an unrelated note, more than 800 wildfires are burning out of control here. There you go — God is real; he’s mad; and he’s trying to kill us. It’s very hard for firefighters to get them under control, because the vegetation up in northern California, where the fires are, is about 40 percent marijuana plants. Support crews are supposed to be bringing in supplies, but they keep bringing in Doritos and chocolate milkshakes."

-Jimmy Kimmel



"Heat wave in Southern California — 116 degrees in the Valley. So hot, Lindsay Lohan checked herself into a Jamba Juice."

-David Letterman

[TexasStooge]

"The Democratic Party announced this week that Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech at an 80,000-seat stadium and that they will not serve fried food at the Democratic Convention. Which begs the question, Where are they going to find 80,000 Americans who don’t eat fried food?"

-Conan O'Brien



"Osama bin Laden’s teenage son, Timmy bin Laden, has released a poem calling for the destruction of America and the killing of all its allies. Imagine a kid writing something like that. Here’s my question: Where are the parents?"

-Jay Leno



"Big birthday news today — O.J. Simpson turned 61-years-old and he had a party with all his friends. There were no survivors."

-Conan O'Brien



"The African-American cable network TV One is coming under fire for its plans to cover the Democratic Convention, but not the Republican Convention. And believe me, black Republicans are very upset. Both of them."

-Jay Leno



"A 60-year-old woman was kicked out of a McCain rally for heckling him. Afterwards, McCain said, 'I’m just not popular with young women.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"It was so hot today, John McCain offered a $300 million prize to the first person to develop a prune Slurpee."

-Jay Leno



"Over the Fourth of July, President Bush gave a speech at the home of former President Thomas Jefferson. There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I’d like to salute both Thomas Jefferson and his wife Weezy.'"

-Conan O'Brien



"Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton were in Unity, N.H. They campaigned together to show their unity. Bill Clinton could not be there — he was in Intercourse, Pa."

-Jay Leno



"Today, Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez and his wife Cynthia filed for divorce. And because New York is a community property state, Cynthia could end up with 268 career home runs."

-Conan O'Brien