Oil Change Instructions for Women............Men

[southerngale]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3)15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

............................................................................



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total-- $4165.00
-- But you know the job was done right.

[Guest]

LOL - men do seem to do everything the hard way.

[j]

man..this one made me laugh as I just decided I was going to start doing all the oil changes. I started with my wife's Lexus and after hitting the autoparts store for a case of oil, the filter, a bundle of rags..I was ready to go. Of course..I drained the oil, then came the filter. Of course....I forgot to look at it before I went to the autoparts store...there was no way I was going to get this off w/o a cap type wrench. So...back to the autoparts store. They didn't have the size I needed. Onward to another store. I finally find what I need..come home and put the drain plug back, screw in the filter with my new tool, and prepare to put the oil in. But...I have 2nd thoughts about the oil I have chosen and decide to go back to the autoparts store to exchange it for a different viscosity. Come back home and finish the job. Elapsed time...2 1/2 hours.

But I did it myself and that is what its all about!

I should have got beer and made an afternoon of it!

[bfez1]

So funny and so true!!!

[Colin]

LOL....SO TRUE!

[isobar]

ROFL!!

j - Hope you didn't need the kitty litter.

[j]

Donna....you always need the kitty litter, even though I had a tarp under the car. I'm a messy person!

[GalvestonDuck]

#28 - "Wash drain plug in lawn mower."

Eh? How do you wash anything in a lawn mower?

[FreakyWxChick]

Whoever wrote this has seen my husband work on a car before...

True story..

My car had been overheating. Hubby sent me out for a thermostat and a 12 pack of beer. I asked if he wasn't sure we shouldn't take it to a repai place. "No, no. It will only take me an hour or so, I have done this a thousand times before."

Famous last words..

Five minutes and 1 beer into the job at hand, I am sent to the auto parts store because he didn't know this car used *&%$#^& metric tools.

I borrow the neighbor's car, go to the store, get back, hand him the proper tools and tiptoe in the house. Five minutes later I hear him cussing and screaming my name. I walk outside with a beer for him and notice that he is on his 4th already. He needs my small hands because they "just don't make cars like they used to." OK so...I get my hands dirty as he sits on the ground , red faced with sweat pouring down as he guzzles his beer.

I get the bolt loosened for him and go back inside. 10 minutes later he is screaming my name again. I go outside with another beer for him and he is cussing at the car because the auto parts store gave me the wrong thermostat. I knock on the neighbor's door and explain the dilemna. The wife is sympathetic, the husband is smug. I borrow the car, get the proper thermostat and head back home.

I tiptoe back into the house to wash dishes or do some other various "woman" job. I hear my name screamed followed by the mandatory cussword or two followed by a loud bang. I go back outside. he asks where his beer is. I go back in and get him a beer. I come back outside to him asking why it is so hard for me to stay outside and help him out when I know my hands will fit where his wont. I am subjected to a swarm of ranting and raving. My children ask me why daddy is so mad at the car. My husband yells at me and tells me to keep the kids inside where they wont bug him. The wonderful dearest hubby cannot find the socket that he KNOWS he put in the case the last time he used it. I sweetly explain that the last time he used the socket set he was so mad he threw it across the yard...open.

He chooses to blame the kids for getting into his socket set and losing them. I knock on the neighbor's door and ask for a socket. I pleadingly look into the husband's eye to please come help. The husband chuckles and says he will be right over. I go inside to get the neighbor a beer. The neighbor arrives with socket set in hand. I get two lawn chairs and set them up in the driveway. Husband sits in one, neighbor sits in the other. They bond while they belch. I ask if I have his majesties permission to go back inside. Hubby hands me a $20, neighbor hands me his keys. I am sent on a beer run. I ask the neighbor's wife if she can please watch the kids for me until hubby is done.

I come back with said beer to smiles and car stereo playing. The neighbor has calmed him down. The thermostat is in. All we need is antifreeze. We are out. I am sent to the store for antifreeze. I come back with antifreeze and watch as hubby pours antifreeze into radiator. I hold my breath as I see it dripping from the bottom of the car as fast as he pours it in. I debate on telling him radiator is dripping. Neighbor starts laughing so hard he has to walk inside my house to get himself a beer to compose himself.

Hubby feels radiator fluid splashing on his legs. He screams, he cusses, he blames the kids who are inside for losing the radiator plug. I find it in empty 12 pack container. He gets even madder and punches the hood of the car with such force that he breaks the rod that holds the hood up. Hood smashes down, breaks bottle of beer. Beer mixes with antifreeze puddle on driveway. I am intrigued by the foamy green ooze and choose to stare at that rather than the red faced man with bulging eyeballs I called my husband. Neighbor is laughing so hard, he is about to piss his pants. He runs into the house and leaves me outside with hubby.

I calmly hand him the radiator plug. He fills the radiator again and asks me what is for dinner. I sweetly explain that I have been running back and forth to the store and have not had time to defrost anything for dinner. Hubby suggests while I take the car for a test drive that I go to the grocery store to get meat so I can cook out for the neighbor who has been so generous to allow us to use his car.

I go to the store and get meat to cookout. The car temp stays fine. Life is good. The car is fixed, the nightmare is over. I am exhausted but can finally cook dinner and put an end to the night. I start to head home thinking the nightmare is over.

I look down to check the temperature gauge. Temp is fine. I look up and see a burst of white coming at my windshield. The hood pops up all the way and blocks my vision. I forget who was in front of me and lose all sense of space and distance. I slam on the brakes to pull over to the side of the road. Car behind me hits me. I am sitting on the side of the road with my hood straight up and a very angry driver behind me.

I get out of the car and check the other driver. The other driver is fine, absolutley no damage to either car whatsoever. He helps me bend my hood back down to cover the engine and finds rope to tie the hood to the radiator grill so I can make it home safely as I am only a few blocks from home.

I get home to hubby, neighbor, neighbor's wife, friend, friend's wife, my kids, neighbor's kids, and friend's kids. Hubby is happy now and says he invited friends over to cookout. I ask him through my teeth if he will please come outside with me so I can show him something. He stumbles out to the car half using his arm around me for support. I show him the bent and mangled hood of the car. He examines it and determines he broke the hood latch. I am absolutely furious at this point. He smiles sweetly and says he will fix the hood latch tomorrow, and says he started up the grill for me.

I went inside and called a tow truck.

Needless to say, we now have the cars fixed by professionals. It costs quite a bit more money but it has truly saved my marriage.

[j]

Now if this isn't about the funniest post I've ever read...btw...does your hubby ever tackle indoor plumbing??

[JCT777]

Freaky - that story should be read by any novice who thinks they are a car expert. LOL!! I have never once attempted to change the oil in my car, nor have I tried to do more than change a headlight bulb or a spark plug. I know that if I ever tried to make any real repairs to the car or change any of the car's fluids that my story would end up here so everyone could laugh about it. :o

[GalvestonDuck]

ROFLMAO!!!!!!! I was in tears by the time I got to you staring at the "foaming green ooze."

[FreakyWxChick]

Now if this isn't about the funniest post I've ever read...btw...does your hubby ever tackle indoor plumbing??

LOL no!!!! Believe it or not, I do the plumbing more often then he does. I was manager over the plumbing, kitchen and bath, and electrical depts at Home Depot so I have a bit more knowledge of that stuff before he does. He has run the garden departments at Home Depot so I leave lawnmower repair up to him.

[Lindaloo]

Well... I can change the oil in a car. My Dad taught me at an early age when I got my first car. I was always independant and still am. I do not attempt to change the oil in my 2002 because the way they make those oil plugs and oil pans nowadays it would be too easy to strip the plug or knock a hole in the plastic oil pan.

[j]

All kidding aside...it is a monumental task to do anything with todays cars. I have tackled many car projects and ended up bringing it to the repair shop because I screwed it up.

But..I willl attempt anything...once, as long as I have the tools. Having a motorcycle has made me much more confident that general maitenance can be accomplished by the common man....as long as we have beer!!!