Your All-Time Favorite Joke

[bvigal]

OK, you can only pick one, your very favorite!

The Blonde and the Lawyer

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[Cyclone1]

An atom walks up to a bar. Says to the bartender, "I think I've lost an electron." Bartender says, "you sure?" Atom replies "I'm positive."

[bvigal]

WOW! No one else has an all-time favorite joke to post???

[wx247]

:eek: WOW! No one else has an all-time favorite joke to post???

I can think of several but not one I would classify as an all-time favorite. I will think on it and get back to you. In the meantime, hopefully more people will post their favorites.

[Cryomaniac]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar, the bartender says "Is this some kind of a joke?".

[bvigal]

Cryo, what a good short zinger!

Really amazed no one else has a fav to post here. OK, then I'll post my 2nd favorite:

SUBJECT: CATS, DOGS AND PILLS

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick cat up and cradle gently in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in arm, repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly in left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the back yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down rule and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtains, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered vases from table and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow in drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck, leaving head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from the bedroom.

12. Phone fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

[Cryomaniac]

Here's one from The Goon Show:

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Jew? Whatchyou a'doing here?"
- "err, Posing for a joke".
- "Can't you read that hairy sign mate? It says no posing for English, Irish or Jewish jokes on even dates".

It works marginally better in audio form, but still...

[TYNI]

Two rednecks are staring up a flagpole, when a buxom blonde walks by and asks "what are you looking at?".

One redneck answers "trying to figure out how high that flagpole is".

To their surprise, the blonde opens the trunk of her car, removes a large wrench, and promptly removes the 6 large bolts holding up the flagpole. The flagpole crashes to the ground, in front of the two rednecks.

The blonde returns to her car, retrieves a tape measure, and measures the flagpole. 20 feet, 3 inches she says.

As she walks back to her car with a sly grin, one redneck turns to the other and says "typical blonde - measures the length instead of the height!".

Booooooo

[GeneratorPower]

So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, buddy. Why the long face?"

[TexasStooge]

I don't have a favorite, just about every joke makes me laugh.

These examples are very punny.
__________________________________________________________

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.... then it hit me.

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was.... resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was.... Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a..... little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is..... pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take..... debate.

The dwarf fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a.....small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got..... twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became.... a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with... stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they will.... always multiply.

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles..... U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did..... a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was..... on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out..... free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could...... jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought..... tooth and nail.

What's the definition of a will?..... It's a dead giveaway.

[thetruesms]

Not really a joke, just a story I heard, but this killed me:

So my dog occasionally gets into the trash and she knows that's bad so when I come home she's normally hiding somewhere clever, like behind a chair. Basically I can quickly tell if she's done anything bad by whether or not she greets me at the door. Well about a year ago she comes to the door all happy so I figured everything was okay, but when I walk further in I smell something funny. I look at the living room floor and there's a pile of poop that she had put a DVD cover on top of to try and hide.

As soon as I walked over and lifted up the DVD cover she went and ran behind a chair.