There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl. There were only two parachutes.
The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those."
With that he grabbed one and jumped out.
The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute."
And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
'Twas the Night Before Christmas--A Woman's Point of View
Moderator: S2k Moderators
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weatherlover427
Us men will fight back, don't you worry!!
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weatherlover427
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southerngale
- Retired Staff
- Posts: 27418
- Joined: Thu Oct 10, 2002 1:27 am
- Location: Southeast Texas (Beaumont area)
my Cowboys -
Miss Mary
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azsnowman
- Category 5
- Posts: 8591
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 8:56 pm
- Location: Pinetop Arizona. Elevation 7102' (54 miles west of NM border)
O'TAY MEN!!!! Full BATTLE Gear ready? Bullet proof vests on??
Courses That Men Think All Women Should Take in College
--Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
--The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits
--Parties: Going without new outfits
--Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.
--Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
--Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is his
--Communication Skills 1: Tears - The last resort, not the first
--Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking
--Communication Skills 3: Getting what you want without nagging
--Driving a Car Safely: A skill you CAN acquire
--Telephone Skills: How to hang Up
--Introduction to Parking.
--Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
--Water Retention: Fact or Fat
--Cooking 1: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter
--Cooking 2: Bran and Tofu are not for human consumption
--Cooking 3: How not to inflict your diets on other people
--Compliments: Accepting them gracefully
--Dancing: Why men don't like to
--Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have
--Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice
--Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together
--Oil and Petrol: Your car needs both
--TV Remotes: For men only
Dennis
Courses That Men Think All Women Should Take in College
--Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
--The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits
--Parties: Going without new outfits
--Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.
--Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.
--Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is his
--Communication Skills 1: Tears - The last resort, not the first
--Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking
--Communication Skills 3: Getting what you want without nagging
--Driving a Car Safely: A skill you CAN acquire
--Telephone Skills: How to hang Up
--Introduction to Parking.
--Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
--Water Retention: Fact or Fat
--Cooking 1: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter
--Cooking 2: Bran and Tofu are not for human consumption
--Cooking 3: How not to inflict your diets on other people
--Compliments: Accepting them gracefully
--Dancing: Why men don't like to
--Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have
--Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice
--Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together
--Oil and Petrol: Your car needs both
--TV Remotes: For men only
Dennis
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azsnowman
- Category 5
- Posts: 8591
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 8:56 pm
- Location: Pinetop Arizona. Elevation 7102' (54 miles west of NM border)
Red Skeltons tips for a Happy Marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Dennis
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Dennis
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Miss Mary
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azsnowman
- Category 5
- Posts: 8591
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 8:56 pm
- Location: Pinetop Arizona. Elevation 7102' (54 miles west of NM border)
Gender Correct Definitions
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female - Any part under a car's hood.
Male - What was served for dinner, i.e. "What was that 'thingy' we 'et".
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit ment) n.
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while watching TV.
FLATULENCE (flach- u-lens) n.
Female - An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl) n.
Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male - A device for scanning through all 275 channels every five minutes.
Dennis
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female - Any part under a car's hood.
Male - What was served for dinner, i.e. "What was that 'thingy' we 'et".
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit ment) n.
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male - Anything that can be done while watching TV.
FLATULENCE (flach- u-lens) n.
Female - An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl) n.
Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male - A device for scanning through all 275 channels every five minutes.
Dennis
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azsnowman
- Category 5
- Posts: 8591
- Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 8:56 pm
- Location: Pinetop Arizona. Elevation 7102' (54 miles west of NM border)
And LAST but NOT least!
The Secrets Of Women's Language
1. FINE - This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (with Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (without raised eyebrows) - This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH - Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH - One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
8. OH - This word followed by any statement is trouble. EG - "Oh, let me get that", which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night." If this happens, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will say she's "Fine" after she's done tossing your clothes out the window. Do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days since she's caught you in a lie. Even if there's an innocent explanation, do not try to explain or you will just get in deeper and
deeper.
9. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. It means she needs to think long and hard about the severe retributions you will receive for doing whatever it is you have done or not doing whatever it is you haven't done. If you respond to "That's Okay" you will invariably get "Fine" in conjunction with the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". This is one of those things that she will remember forever and will come back to haunt you in every "Five Minute" argument you have with her until death do you part.
10. PLEASE DO - This is an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever you have done or not doing whatever it is you have not done. Do not take her up on her offer. Remain silent at all costs. She is currently only sceptical. Say anything and you're sure to get a "That's Okay".
11. THANKS - This is ok. A woman is just plain thanking you. Do not faint, just say, you're welcome.
12. THANKS A LOT - This is different from "Thanks". Much different. It is only used when you have hurt her in that very callous way in which women can only be hurt by men they love. "Thanks A Lot" is almost invariably followed by the "Loud Sigh". Do not ask what is wrong after this. She will say "Nothing".
Dennis
The Secrets Of Women's Language
1. FINE - This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football/hockey or whatever game is going to last before you take out the trash, so she feels that it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING - This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD (with Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and eventually cause an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD (without raised eyebrows) - This means "I give up. Do what you want because I don't care." You will, however, get a Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing", and a "Five Minute" argument ending with "Fine".
6. LOUD SIGH - Not actually a word of course but often a verbal cue misunderstood by men. The "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you're an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there having a "Five Minute" argument with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH - One of the few sounds that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe. Just stay clear.
8. OH - This word followed by any statement is trouble. EG - "Oh, let me get that", which actually means you are obviously incapable and incompetent and cannot possibly complete the task to her particular standard. Or "Oh, I already talked to the cable guy", which means she has inadvertently blown the cover on your secret extra outlets and black box. Worse yet is, "Oh, I talked to him about what you did last night." If this happens, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will say she's "Fine" after she's done tossing your clothes out the window. Do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days since she's caught you in a lie. Even if there's an innocent explanation, do not try to explain or you will just get in deeper and
deeper.
9. THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. It means she needs to think long and hard about the severe retributions you will receive for doing whatever it is you have done or not doing whatever it is you haven't done. If you respond to "That's Okay" you will invariably get "Fine" in conjunction with the Raised Eyebrow "Go Ahead". This is one of those things that she will remember forever and will come back to haunt you in every "Five Minute" argument you have with her until death do you part.
10. PLEASE DO - This is an offer. She is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever you have done or not doing whatever it is you have not done. Do not take her up on her offer. Remain silent at all costs. She is currently only sceptical. Say anything and you're sure to get a "That's Okay".
11. THANKS - This is ok. A woman is just plain thanking you. Do not faint, just say, you're welcome.
12. THANKS A LOT - This is different from "Thanks". Much different. It is only used when you have hurt her in that very callous way in which women can only be hurt by men they love. "Thanks A Lot" is almost invariably followed by the "Loud Sigh". Do not ask what is wrong after this. She will say "Nothing".
Dennis
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1. Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. Dogs understand the word "no".
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. Dogs understand the word "no".
10. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
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