Empty Nest
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Empty Nest
Has anyone here suffered through the empty nest? I'm having a really hard time with it and would really appreciate some positive suggestions.
Thanks so much.....
Thanks so much.....
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empty nest
Enjoy every minute with them; each one is precious and so fleeting. I can't believe how fast the time with them flew by. We give our children roots and wings. The roots are so easy; the wings are unbelievably hard (for me, anyway).
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I think when this day comes I will be very sad. We're already seeing glimpses of it now. My oldest is a Junior and a close friend with grown children said to enjoy her remaining HS years. Because once she graduates and goes away to college, it all changes. She'll come back over the summer and on breaks, but it will never be like it was during HS. My husband said we all need to enjoy this last year and half before college, and just enjoy being a family. He was almost tearing up saying all of this, to the point where she said - ahhhh, Dad it will be okay. It's been hitting me for a long time but I think it's just now hitting him. I'll just sigh and she knows instantly what I mean - she's growing up. Her sister is 13 so we have a few more years with her before college kicks in.
I will say though my mom really tightened those apron strings when I got into my 20s. I was married then to my first husband and on my own. But she interfered a lot. Wanted a key to our house to pop in whenever she wanted. I think it just hit her one day I was grown and just gone. Down the street, not under her roof. I know for a fact I will not be like this. I will loosen those strings way out, never sever them, wouldn't dream of doing that, but I will give my children room to go out into the world w/o daily calls from me.
Now will that stage be easy for me? No way!!! I'm sure it will be very hard. I've been a stay at home mom all these years. And I've enjoyed every single minute of them. But for me it will be hard to turn that off and suddenly have my evenings free again. I think for a while I'll flounder and feel lost, but hopefully I'll rediscover personal interests I've had to put aside. Lovingly put aside, mind you.
When you feel down Sunnyday, please pop in here and vent away with all of us. We'll get you thru this.
And oh, my mother-in-law, bless her heart, she's gone now was the exact opposite of my mom. She never hounded her grown children, never interfered in their lives, never gave advice, always saying well you know best. Now I'm missing her all over again. Well, that's is who I want to be like when my girls are grown and gone.
Hope that helps a bit.
Mary
I will say though my mom really tightened those apron strings when I got into my 20s. I was married then to my first husband and on my own. But she interfered a lot. Wanted a key to our house to pop in whenever she wanted. I think it just hit her one day I was grown and just gone. Down the street, not under her roof. I know for a fact I will not be like this. I will loosen those strings way out, never sever them, wouldn't dream of doing that, but I will give my children room to go out into the world w/o daily calls from me.
Now will that stage be easy for me? No way!!! I'm sure it will be very hard. I've been a stay at home mom all these years. And I've enjoyed every single minute of them. But for me it will be hard to turn that off and suddenly have my evenings free again. I think for a while I'll flounder and feel lost, but hopefully I'll rediscover personal interests I've had to put aside. Lovingly put aside, mind you.
When you feel down Sunnyday, please pop in here and vent away with all of us. We'll get you thru this.
And oh, my mother-in-law, bless her heart, she's gone now was the exact opposite of my mom. She never hounded her grown children, never interfered in their lives, never gave advice, always saying well you know best. Now I'm missing her all over again. Well, that's is who I want to be like when my girls are grown and gone.
Hope that helps a bit.
Mary
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Sunny,
My daughter is a senior in HS this year. She'll be going to jr. college in the fall. I'm hoping she stays at home and commutes, since we're only about 25 mins away from the jr. college.
I'm not sure how I'll manage when she does move out. It'll be hard to adjust!
I feel for you and hope it gets better.
My daughter is a senior in HS this year. She'll be going to jr. college in the fall. I'm hoping she stays at home and commutes, since we're only about 25 mins away from the jr. college.
I'm not sure how I'll manage when she does move out. It'll be hard to adjust!
I feel for you and hope it gets better.
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- azskyman
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Hi Sunnyday!
Our nest is recently vacated. We keep it in the tree for those occasional visits, but for the most part it's not the same without the cryin' babies and colorful eggs!
Kathy and I moved to Phoenix from Illinois in 1997. Our oldest son was already established in a position in Chicago...and we pretty much figured he was a one-weekend-a-month-for-dinner fixture already.
Our youngest son was finishing junior college. He soon followed us to Phoenix, took up roost in our house to establish residency, and then jumped back into Arizona State University to get his degree in Logistics and Supply Chain Management.
Most of the time while in school he was living elsewhere, not with us, but at least he was a Phoenix Phixture and we knew he was nearby.
Our oldest came down here in a job transfer, got married, and quickly was promoted and sent to San Diego.
A few months ago, that young'en of ours moved there too.
The teens and twenties have been everything from joyful to tearful to sad and depressing with our sons, but never have we been "outsiders" in their lives.
These days, we live 6 hours away (1 if we fly), but we are clearly too old, to old fashioned, and too out of sync to be the family unit we once were.
Don't get me wrong. They are great kids in many ways and they love and appreciate us in ways they can. Still, for the most part, we are becoming less of a factor in their lives. Other people and other situations are becoming more. Which is as it should be.
Still...out of the 325 stops on our bug man's route, he gives our home the "most untouched" rating. He'll say we have the cleanest, most organized, and even most unlived in place he treats for critters. And for the most part, we attribute that to our now being two instead of three or four.
Cell phones help. We call and talk to them when we feel like it...not just when the news is important.
Nevertheless, I have taken up a position on the city planning commission to a)show I still have something to give and b)occupy some of that quiet time.
I like being at this point in my life, but now and then I'd like getting a call asking , "Hey, I'm in the neighborhood. Want to buy me dinner?"
So I understand and appreciate the sense of loss and change. It is not bad in that it is time for that to happen. But it does feel empty from time to time.
I have no real advice except to say that we need to be thankful for the time we had together and that we still have plans and future connections to keep with our family.
And try along the way to find other outlets and sources of connection to the world. It is fun to be test your own newfound freedom on some different challenges.
Don't know if this helped, but I suspect it at least feels good to know there are others who feel that emptiness too.
Steve
Our nest is recently vacated. We keep it in the tree for those occasional visits, but for the most part it's not the same without the cryin' babies and colorful eggs!
Kathy and I moved to Phoenix from Illinois in 1997. Our oldest son was already established in a position in Chicago...and we pretty much figured he was a one-weekend-a-month-for-dinner fixture already.
Our youngest son was finishing junior college. He soon followed us to Phoenix, took up roost in our house to establish residency, and then jumped back into Arizona State University to get his degree in Logistics and Supply Chain Management.
Most of the time while in school he was living elsewhere, not with us, but at least he was a Phoenix Phixture and we knew he was nearby.
Our oldest came down here in a job transfer, got married, and quickly was promoted and sent to San Diego.
A few months ago, that young'en of ours moved there too.
The teens and twenties have been everything from joyful to tearful to sad and depressing with our sons, but never have we been "outsiders" in their lives.
These days, we live 6 hours away (1 if we fly), but we are clearly too old, to old fashioned, and too out of sync to be the family unit we once were.
Don't get me wrong. They are great kids in many ways and they love and appreciate us in ways they can. Still, for the most part, we are becoming less of a factor in their lives. Other people and other situations are becoming more. Which is as it should be.
Still...out of the 325 stops on our bug man's route, he gives our home the "most untouched" rating. He'll say we have the cleanest, most organized, and even most unlived in place he treats for critters. And for the most part, we attribute that to our now being two instead of three or four.
Cell phones help. We call and talk to them when we feel like it...not just when the news is important.
Nevertheless, I have taken up a position on the city planning commission to a)show I still have something to give and b)occupy some of that quiet time.
I like being at this point in my life, but now and then I'd like getting a call asking , "Hey, I'm in the neighborhood. Want to buy me dinner?"
So I understand and appreciate the sense of loss and change. It is not bad in that it is time for that to happen. But it does feel empty from time to time.
I have no real advice except to say that we need to be thankful for the time we had together and that we still have plans and future connections to keep with our family.
And try along the way to find other outlets and sources of connection to the world. It is fun to be test your own newfound freedom on some different challenges.
Don't know if this helped, but I suspect it at least feels good to know there are others who feel that emptiness too.
Steve
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Sunnyday - I failed to mention my husband, his brother and his sisters usually sought their mother out when they got into their adult years. She didn't have to call or hound them, they called her! Because she was a supportive behind-the-scenes type mother, never interfering in their marriages, they wanted her around. My mom does not get that at all. Each phone call we with her starts off with - why haven't you called, why are you so busy, etc. After 15 minutes of explaining it all, you're exhausted. I've asked her to treat me like her own friends, just ask politely what's new with all of you? But she can't seem to do that. Sometimes I honestly just sigh and I don't even bother trying to explain how busy it is raising two teens right now. I just either get very quiet on the phone, or change the subject. I should just hound her - now Mom, why haven't YOU called me? LOL No I can't do that. When my girls were quite young, she wanted to talk every morning from 9:30 to 10:30. I had to put a stop to that. There have been stretches in my life - planning my second wedding - that she called me as much as 8 times a day. I can't imagine you ever being this way but I wanted to paint a picture there for you, hopefully I will be just like my Mother-in-law was. I have a list packed away for safe keeping. Started 15 years ago, things not to do when my kids are grown. I have added to it a few times. My Mom has never understood the tighter she tries to pull us all in, the more we want our independence. She's hinted that she wants to move in with any one of us (my two brothers and me) instead of ever going to a nursing home. We've pretty much all decided that can't happen - our spouses would leave us. It would like the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond, but Marie would be living down the hall, not across the street!
Mary
Mary
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empty next
You guys are so nice to give me some advice and share your experience with me. I am truly touched that you took the time to respons to me. Mary, one reason I was down last night, I think, is that my mom told me yesterday that I only thought of myself and felt bad because my kids were gone from home. She said other people have it much worse. I am not a selfish person by any stretch of the imagination, so that hurt. Anyway, thank goodness, we are still a big part of your kids' lives. One of them call every day, and the other a few times a week. We are close enough to get together now and then, too, and I love that. However, we keep our mouths shut and out of their business unless asked. lol That is the wise thing to do. We are proud of who they have become and are thankful that they are happy adults. I work part-time, and that is a huge help, and I have friends for movies and lunches. I know I'm blessed, but I do have that empty hole in my heart. I was a stay at home mom, too, so that make the loneliness more noticeable, I think. Anyway, thanks so much for your kindness. And, thanks for not saying that I am complaining or selfish.
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Oh Sunny, you definitely aren't complaining or selfish. Going thru the empty nest syndrome never ends. You just learn to fill that emptiness with other things that you love. My daughters never came back home to live after they finished college. One moved to Virginia and one to Ohio. They persued their careers, married and now have children of their own. They come home to visit quite often and I go to visit them. I enjoy every minute I have with them.
My daughter just said to me last month when she was home, "Mom, how could you have been so strict all thru our young lives and then let us make our own decisions when we went to college and not interfer at all with our lives now?" I just looked at her with misty eyes and said, "Tracy, I've done some difficult things in my life, but that was and is the hardest thing I've done and still do!!!!"
I'm still as protective of them as I always was. I've just learned to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut!!!!!
My daughter just said to me last month when she was home, "Mom, how could you have been so strict all thru our young lives and then let us make our own decisions when we went to college and not interfer at all with our lives now?" I just looked at her with misty eyes and said, "Tracy, I've done some difficult things in my life, but that was and is the hardest thing I've done and still do!!!!"
I'm still as protective of them as I always was. I've just learned to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut!!!!!
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Okay now, that makes two people I most want to be like when my girls are grown - my mother-in-law and now you, Karan!!! You seemed to have learned that lesson well too, just as Jim's mom did. He does give his dad credit though - he can remember him telling his Mom a lot - oh we don't want to be bothering the kids..... LOL
Sunnyday, you're not being selfish, not at all! I think women handle this phase differently. Perhaps in your mom's day, they didn't even bat an eye or talk about it. I know my mom was like that until she realized I was really gone and then all of sudden she was giving us tight hugs goodbye, smothering us with kisses, and growing up she wasn't like that at all. My brothers and I wondered what the heck happened! But that's another story......you just get thru it best you can and don't apologize for your feelings. They're honest feelings. One thing I have been warned about though, is to remain close to your spouse. You know how it is, you get so busy running to PTA meetings, games/practices/recitals/kids activities, that you and your husband seem to get lost in the shuffle. Now our kids go to bed quite late so we have very little down time, to even discuss things. We often go back to our bathroom to talk about something if we don't want the kids to hear. I miss those 8 p.m. bedtimes some nights. We don't exactly carve out couple time but I can see that we need to start doing that. We don't want to be strangers when I'm only cooking for two!
Mary
Sunnyday, you're not being selfish, not at all! I think women handle this phase differently. Perhaps in your mom's day, they didn't even bat an eye or talk about it. I know my mom was like that until she realized I was really gone and then all of sudden she was giving us tight hugs goodbye, smothering us with kisses, and growing up she wasn't like that at all. My brothers and I wondered what the heck happened! But that's another story......you just get thru it best you can and don't apologize for your feelings. They're honest feelings. One thing I have been warned about though, is to remain close to your spouse. You know how it is, you get so busy running to PTA meetings, games/practices/recitals/kids activities, that you and your husband seem to get lost in the shuffle. Now our kids go to bed quite late so we have very little down time, to even discuss things. We often go back to our bathroom to talk about something if we don't want the kids to hear. I miss those 8 p.m. bedtimes some nights. We don't exactly carve out couple time but I can see that we need to start doing that. We don't want to be strangers when I'm only cooking for two!
Mary
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empty nest
Mary, you are a wise woman. Once the children leave home, it's almost like being with a stranger. You'll see what I mean when the time comes.
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Sunnyday - one final thought, I can see why couples have large families now. I have a friend with 6, born every 2 or 2.5 years apart. She'll always have someone home! And by the time the youngest is finally out of the nest, she might even have grandchildren by then. I'm not saying having a large family is best, two was my limit, but I can see why some couples like that hectic way of living - picturing the new movie out, called Cheaper by the Dozen!
I will be sad when my strangers return for visits. Oh yes I will, sure don't want you to get the impression I'm making light of your feelings. I just hope I can handle it well.
Mary
I will be sad when my strangers return for visits. Oh yes I will, sure don't want you to get the impression I'm making light of your feelings. I just hope I can handle it well.
Mary
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- azskyman
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Sunnyday...had a 30-minute conversation with one of mine who spread his wings to San Diego a few months ago. His heart is clearly with friends and family back here...so he may well find his way "home" sometime.
He is smart enough to get through a few more months first, however, as he learns more about himself along the way.
Kathy and I "carve" some time each weekend, but little during the week. We lean a lot on each other... Life's battles seem less painful in doing that. And our laughs are more fun too.
Just remember that not only do you have plenty of living to do in the years yet coming, but also plenty of giving!
He is smart enough to get through a few more months first, however, as he learns more about himself along the way.
Kathy and I "carve" some time each weekend, but little during the week. We lean a lot on each other... Life's battles seem less painful in doing that. And our laughs are more fun too.
Just remember that not only do you have plenty of living to do in the years yet coming, but also plenty of giving!
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Sunny, just to add my two cents worth-
I cried like a wet kitten when my daughter moved out at age 19, and then when she moved 250 miles away I went through it again. Lasted about 2 weeks both times. Cause alot of stress between me and my husband as he was so attached to her and felt I shouldn't have let her go. What was I suppose to do? Chain her up? He is not her bio father but the only father she has known for the past 16 years and despite his criticism, in his heart she can do no wrong. When he found out she was getting a divorce, he wanted to go up and move her back here, but I've let go enough to where I knew that when and if she makes that decision, it has to be HER decision. She's done some stupid things (that tattoo of a cat-EEK) but she has to live her own life. We still talk AT LEAST twice a day. One touching moment when she was here last weekend-she was going out with some folks and trying to do her hair and the next thing I know, I'M the one in there with the curling iron doing it after she couldn't reach the back. Brought a tear to my eye, she may have left but we are as close as we always were and think it will always stay that way.
I cried like a wet kitten when my daughter moved out at age 19, and then when she moved 250 miles away I went through it again. Lasted about 2 weeks both times. Cause alot of stress between me and my husband as he was so attached to her and felt I shouldn't have let her go. What was I suppose to do? Chain her up? He is not her bio father but the only father she has known for the past 16 years and despite his criticism, in his heart she can do no wrong. When he found out she was getting a divorce, he wanted to go up and move her back here, but I've let go enough to where I knew that when and if she makes that decision, it has to be HER decision. She's done some stupid things (that tattoo of a cat-EEK) but she has to live her own life. We still talk AT LEAST twice a day. One touching moment when she was here last weekend-she was going out with some folks and trying to do her hair and the next thing I know, I'M the one in there with the curling iron doing it after she couldn't reach the back. Brought a tear to my eye, she may have left but we are as close as we always were and think it will always stay that way.
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- petal*pusher
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Sunnyday....please know you're in good company here! Most of us who have succeeded in raising our kids know that part of that success is giving them the strength to stand on their own! I, too, had to just turn around and keep my mouth shut when I saw decisions made that I did not agree with. Though married, the "child-raising" was done only by me. My husband paid no attention to either child during their growing up years.....very sad....his loss. When my daughter moved only 45 minutes away for college, I had a tough time! When she moved a few years later to Mesa, Az., then to Portland, Or......I was REALLY a wreck!! I had to trust in the instincts I had taught her! She is back in Mi. again now....only an hour away.....we talk and email often during the week. My son, on the other hand (22).....still lives here at home. I love having him here, but realize that part of my responsibilities as a parent are to encourage him to get on his own!!
When my daughter first left.....I mourned this as a loss......instead of celebrating HER success! I made BIG changes in my perceptions....it helped to write down my thoughts....these became poems and songs! Here's one of them that may help.......p
I hear your voice call out to me.....
I turn but you're not there!
I feel your presence next to me.....
can't find you anywhere!
You must have thought about me....
I must be on your mind....
I feel you reaching out to me,
this love's a special kind!
A warm embracing feeling....
my heart begins to smile;
a love that no one can erase....
a Mother and a Child!
There are so many "yesterdays"....
of times when you were small.
We've both changed in so many ways...
and some ways not at all.
You must have thought about me....
I must be on your mind....
I feel you reaching out to me,
this love's a special kind!
A warm embracing feeling....
my heart begins to smile;
a love that no one can erase....
a Mother and a Child!
So many miles between us now;
so many years behind....
and yet our thoughts stay close somehow....
we're each not hard to find!
You must have thought about me....
I must be on your mind....
I feel you reaching out to me,
this love's a special kind!
A warm embracing feeling....
my heart begins to smile;
a love that no one can erase....
a Mother and a Child!
When my daughter first left.....I mourned this as a loss......instead of celebrating HER success! I made BIG changes in my perceptions....it helped to write down my thoughts....these became poems and songs! Here's one of them that may help.......p

I hear your voice call out to me.....
I turn but you're not there!
I feel your presence next to me.....
can't find you anywhere!
You must have thought about me....
I must be on your mind....
I feel you reaching out to me,
this love's a special kind!
A warm embracing feeling....
my heart begins to smile;
a love that no one can erase....
a Mother and a Child!
There are so many "yesterdays"....
of times when you were small.
We've both changed in so many ways...
and some ways not at all.
You must have thought about me....
I must be on your mind....
I feel you reaching out to me,
this love's a special kind!
A warm embracing feeling....
my heart begins to smile;
a love that no one can erase....
a Mother and a Child!
So many miles between us now;
so many years behind....
and yet our thoughts stay close somehow....
we're each not hard to find!
You must have thought about me....
I must be on your mind....
I feel you reaching out to me,
this love's a special kind!
A warm embracing feeling....
my heart begins to smile;
a love that no one can erase....
a Mother and a Child!
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empty nest
Wow! Thanks so much, everyone. Petal, your poem hit a chord! Bless each one of you.
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- petal*pusher
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Good! Glad you liked it Sunnyday! Here's another quick little one I wrote that'll make you smile!.........p
There's an Angel in you pocket,
one on your shoulder too!
One watches you in the daytime;
the other when the day is thru.
You keep them both quite busy....
with everything you do.....
we all love you very much;
we're happy that there's two!!

There's an Angel in you pocket,
one on your shoulder too!
One watches you in the daytime;
the other when the day is thru.
You keep them both quite busy....
with everything you do.....
we all love you very much;
we're happy that there's two!!
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