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Answering machine at a mental hospital:
Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you
which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden
name.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or
before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9...
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever
