#9 Postby ladygatorslayer » Fri Sep 17, 2004 12:08 pm
Things I've Learned Since Hurricane Charley
(Stay tuned for more lessons after Ivan)
* Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ
grill.
* No matter how many times you flick the switch,
lights don't work without electricity.
* Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a
video game controller in their hand.
* He who has the biggest generator wins..
* Women can actually survive without doing their
hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
* A new method of non-lethal torture - showers
without hot water.
* There are a lot more stars in the sky than most
people thought.
* TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms
are painful. One day at a time.
* A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz beers to a
drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still
keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
* There are a lot of trees around here.
* Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents
were seriously wrong.
* Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs,
speed limits on roads without traffic lights does
not increase.
* Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing,
is definitely not required.
* Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you
can stay out as late as you want. At least that's
what the cops told me during a curfew stop.
* Crickets can increase their volume to overcome
the sound of 14 generators.
* People will get into a line that has already
formed without having any idea what the line is
for.
* When required, a Chrysler 300M will
float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the
same.
* Some things DO keep the mailman from his
appointed rounds.
* Tele-marketers function no matter what the
weather is doing.
* Cell phones work when land lines are down, but
only as long as the battery remains charged.
* 27 of your neighbors are fed from a different
transformer than you, and they are quick to point
that out!
* Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a
volume.
* If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws,
gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
* The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a
hurricane.
* Your water front property can quickly become
someone else's fishing hole.
* Tree service companies are under appreciated.
* I learned what happens when you make fun of
another state's blackout.
* MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days
without power equals 30% higher electric bill
?????
* Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry"
part and it's worthless.
* I can walk a lot farther than I thought
****************************************************
Florida Hurricane Season Notes:
We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane
season in Florida. If you're new to the area,
you're probably wondering what you need to do to
prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by
"the big one." Based on our experiences, we
recommend that you follow this simple three-step
hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last
your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until
Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people
will not follow this sensible plan. Most people
will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start
with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you
must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this
insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in
Florida, or any other area that might actually be
hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance,
because then they might be required to pay YOU
money, and that is certainly not why they got
into the insurance business in the first place.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying
area, you should have an evacuation route planned
out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license;
if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying
area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to
avoid being trapped in your home when a major
storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a
gigantic traffic jam several miles from your
home, along with two hundred thousand other
evacuees.
So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As
the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important
that you keep abreast of the situation by turning
on your television and watching TV reporters in
rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and
tell you over and over how vitally important it
is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in
Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine State").
*****************************************************
30 Things Hurricanes Charley & Frances & Ivan Have Taught Us !!
1. An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.
2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col. Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.
3. When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.
4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--- and tastes just as bad.
5. AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need ( batteries )
6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.
7. Radio can be the best way to watch television.
8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.
9. SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.
10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.
11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.
12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator
13. You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.
14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.
15. Lake Eola can generate waves.
16. Gasoline is a value at any price
17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.
18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE
19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.
20. Candlelight is better than Botox--- it takes years off your appearance
21. Air Conditioning: BEST. INVENTION. EVER.
22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.
23. Shadow animals on the wall---still fun.
24. No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.
25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of
co- workers or neighbors who do not.
26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.
27. Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.
28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator
29. Somebody's got it worse.
30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they are getting preferential treatment.
********************************************************
CARL HIAASEN
HURRICANE JOURNALISM
On the beach, waiting for Frances
Excerpts from The Handbook for Roving Hurricane Correspondents:
Welcome to the exciting world of hurricane journalism!
While your highly paid colleagues on the anchor desk are broadcasting from the dry safety of a heavily fortified television studio, you and your camera crew will be out in the maw of the storm, risking your lives for no good reason.
* What you should wear: Always choose the flimsiest rain jacket available, to visually dramatize the effect of strong winds. All foul-weather gear should be brightly colored in the event you're swept out to sea or sucked down a drainage culvert, and someone actually goes searching for you.
* What you should televise: The first rule of hurricane coverage is that every broadcast must begin with palm trees bending in the wind. Never mind that the puniest summer squall can send a coconut palm into convulsions, your producer will demand this meaningless shot.
Once the storm begins, you can forget about swaying palm trees and concentrate on ficus, banyans, oaks and Austrialian pines -- the ones that actually go down.
Fallen-tree video is absolutely essential to hurricane broadcasts. The most sought-after footage is, in order of ratings:
1. Big tree on strip mall.
2. Big tree on house.
3. Big tree on car.
4. Small tree on car.
5. Assorted shrubbery on car.
Note: The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics forbids correspondents from purposely knocking down any native vegetation with a TV satellite truck to simulate weather damage.
* Where you should go: The days before a hurricane are the most challenging for roving correspondents, because not much is happening. Needless to say, if you've got a choice between hanging out at the local Home Depot or cruising the beach, head immediately for the surf.
When the storm finally comes ashore, always stand dangerously near the rough water and position yourself so that the spray hits you directly in the face. If it's not raining yet, take off your hood and let the wind mess up your hair.
Remember: A wet, tired and weather-beaten appearance is crucial to your credibility as a hurricane journalist.
* What you should say: When covering a hurricane, there's no such thing as overstating the obvious. And, let's face it, how many different ways can you say it's rainy, windy and miserable?
To break the monotony, you might take a guess at how high the ''storm surge'' will be, even though you won't have a clue. Tedious lulls in the action will also offer the opportunity to ramble on about ''feeder bands,'' which is the slick new term for squall lines.
And when the dry, well-fed anchorfolks back in the air-conditioned studio ask you to sum up the situation in your location, always say the following:
``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''
* Whom should you interview: As a hurricane advances, it's standard procedure to chat with evacuees, hotel owners, utility workers and disappointed tourists.
The two mandatory video loops are (a) worried residents boarding up and (b) harried residents standing in long lines to purchase water, batteries and other supplies.
Once the storm is imminent and the coastlines are evacuated, your interview possibilities will be reduced to:
1. Police and emergency personnel who are out on the streets because it's their job.
2. Amateur ''storm chasers'' and other wandering dolts who wish to experience the force of a hurricane up-close and personal.
3. Surfers.
Of these, surfers are by far the most entertaining interview subjects for TV. Unfortunately, you could easily die trying to talk them out of the water.
* What to do when the hurricane actually strikes: Obviously the sensible move is to broadcast from the protected lee of a strong building, but for that you could get fired.
Your producer will instead order you to step into the teeth of the storm, where you risk being clobbered by flying glass, coconuts, shingles, patio furniture or surfboards.
This is an act of utter derangement, but it makes for amusing television. If you survive, your next mission will be to find and film a major piece of hurricane debris -- the money shot.
Remember, your viewers' expectations are high. They've watched that big slow mother whorling across the Doppler for a week, and they've been primed for devastation on a biblical scale.
Take no chances. Proceed immediately to the nearest trailer park, being extra careful not to crash into other TV crews on the way.
* What to do when the worst is over: A friendly reminder -- The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics strictly prohibits drinking on the air. However, only you and your camera crew need know what goes on in the privacy of the satellite truck. If anybody asks, you know what to say: ``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''
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