Depression: what it is..

[JetMaxx]

Depression is so misunderstood by many people. Some think it's something that you can just "snap out of"....like a mood. Others think it means you are "wacko", "mentally disturbed", or even "psychotic". In reality, it means what it says....depressed.

I get mine honestly, because mom was also prone to bouts of mild depression. I didn't begin to notice mine until a few years ago; especially around the holidays...the time of year when mom died. I'd try to get into the holiday spirit, but just end up miserable. Don't get me wrong...not every Christmas is manic city--in fact, my holiday blues are worse in early-mid December (mom died 12/11) than Christmas, when I'm usually much better. I've also experienced depression other times of the year. I had a major depression episode following both the Oklahoma City Bombing and 9/11/01 terrorist attacks.

What do I mean by "depression"? Am I crazy? No way! My IQ is close to 130...about the same as when I was an honor roll student 25-30 years ago. Am I psychotic? Nope...I've never even gotten a traffic ticket. I'm a perfect gentleman, a law abiding citizen.

What depression means to me; the first sign is usually a feeling of wanting to cry, but I can't (or crying for no reason). After the shock of 9/11 wore off, the depression set in. I began breaking down whenever I saw a fire truck...especially if there was a US flag waving from the back; I had to pull over and stop the car a time or two...sobbing uncontrollaby. I'd do the same thing when I saw the family of 9/11 victim on tv, especially a wife or kids left behind. Part of this was likely because a friend of my sis died in the WTC. Scenes from the Pentagon and Pennsylvania didn't affect me like ground zero did.
I'm not normally a man that cries easily. I rarely even weep at funerals....at least until September 11, 2001.

I also get feelings of hopelessness, I feel worthless--like a failure. When I'm suffering depression, I become prone to mood swings...blue one hour, in a rage the next; a feeling of being "out of control"; nightmares and other sleeping difficulties can accompany depression. Thankfully, I've never had the insomnia some have; but have seen a few sleepless nights.

Right now, I'm not depressed at all. I've been doing well since a bout of depression I experienced around Christmas...but all in all, it was mild compared to some I've had. My breaking down (tears) over the Jessica Lynch saga isn't a result of depression...it's emotion; caring and compassion for a brave young woman I prayed for and worried about. I have a very big heart, another trait I inherited from my mother, and thank God every day I did

Perry

[streetsoldier]

If you are dealing with concurrent, low-grade depression (dysthemia), or anxiety with depressive features (as seems to be the case, from your description and my own experience), you should not hesitate to see a counselor AND a psychiatrist for evaluation and treatment. There are a host of Rx/counseling strategies available to help you combat this, and there is no reason for you to "stick it out" alone, without assistance.

As has been said many, many times..."It is not the person who seeks help that people need to be concerned about; it is the person who doesn't."

"Been there, doing that" for 20 years, and I'm not afraid to talk about it. E-mail me directly if you like.

[wx247]

Yes... educating one about depression as well as ALL mental disorders is very important. I learned so much in psychology... it really opens your eyes.

[JetMaxx]

Thanks streetsoldier! I'm very fortunate...

I find the internet weather forums to be great therapy...a blessing. Since I posted the original message around 5:30 p.m., two members of this forum have sent me messages, concerned for my welfare; offering assistance and support.

Even though I began the thread only in an attempt to let others suffering in silence know they weren't alone...by using my own past experiences as an example; others here rose to the occasion in case I needed it. That's what we are here....we are friends, caring friends that are a great support group. We lean on each other for support...and we get it

In addition to my many friends across the net, my sisters are wonderful at knowing when big brother needs help. Becky in particular, always seems to know what I'm thinking...and the right words to say. She saved my life in 1996, just as I saved her twice in 1980-81. I think sometimes she knows me better than I know myself.

As a final rung of support, my brother in law's father and older brother are both psychiatrists. Dave's dad has given me excellent counseling...and as you alluded, in 1996 he disgnosed me with a mild form of
depression...related to stress and unresolved feelings of hurt and anger.

I dearly love my dad, but the years following mom's sudden death weren't pleasant; my sister and I both suffered a lot of abuse, both emotional and physical (what I meant about saving Becky's life at age 15--dad once broke her wrist in a fit of rage). We have both recently forgiven our father for everything he did, which has helped us both a great deal in our recovery and healing.

Again, thanks so much for the kind words streetsoldier. I really appreciate it!

Take care,
Perry

[streetsoldier]

I could have been the 1968 "poster teen" for emotional and physical abuse...as it is, I didn't even KNOW I'd been in an abusive situation until 1979 (!). (Born in 1951...do the math.)

I do understand.

[azskyman]

My bouts with anxiety and depression came at two points in my life when technically, politically, and by virtually anyone's measuring stick but my own, my life and that of my family was one that others would look upon and say, "Now that's what I want to do with my life!"

Both were in the 1980's, and both "took me to my knees" in desperation as I wanted to much to pull myself out of it, but instead seemed stuck in the grasp that no one could decipher or help with.

I was convinced the doctors were wrong. I became obsessed with medical conditions I thought I had...but others could not find. I didn't think I was going to die...I KNEW I was going to die.

On a few occasions I became disfunctional. Losing my ability to go to work or enjoy a concert. I was a captive to my own fears and anxiety.

Depression rode along with it. I could not bring myself to find value in things I could not control, and I could not control anything...even my own life. So instead I retracted into a fearful state which ultimately was broken with the help of a non-judgemental therapist and a breakthrough realization that the expectations that people had placed on me were not nearly so important as the space I gave myself to be less than perfect.

There are days and times even now when I feel I could fall back into that trap, but I recognize the symptoms and am more confident in knowing that I don't have to be in control all the time...that as a human being I have flaws and issues that may not be sought after by others...but are OK in the human world nonetheless.

My depression and anxiety are best served when I am feeling that stress if I instead shift my effort and energy to that of someone else in need of help. That transferrence makes for a very healthy change in my overall attitude of the day.

Hope this helps. Hang in there...get some help if you can, but more importantly realize that your shortcomings are not life-threatening and that your capabilities to be a living, giving person will help pull you through the darkest of days.

azskyman

[JetMaxx]

I could have been the 1968 "poster teen" for emotional and physical abuse...as it is, I didn't even KNOW I'd been in an abusive situation until 1979 (!). (Born in 1951...do the math.)

I do understand.

What I've told this evening...the secrets from my past have probably answered a couple questions for some on this board...that they may have had about me for nearly three years.

First off, now everyone can understand why I identify so emotionally with Pfc Jessica Lynch. I know what it feels to see a petite 110 lb teenage girl you love brutalized...thrown through a sheetrock wall. I've seen my sis wearing a pink cast, lying to her friends about how it happened; I've seen the tears...I've seen the scared little face. I've heard those words "Perry, please don't let him hurt me anymore" The fact Jessica looks so similar to my sister back then just makes it worse

When I think of little Jessica Lynch being beaten, slapped in the face by an angry grown man....I see my own little sister being slapped in the face; I relive the horror of 1980 and 1981 all over again. When my sister and her family flew home to Portland after last Thanksgiving, we just stood and hugged...for fifeen minutes, tears streaming down both our faces....neither of us wanted to let go

It also answers why I was so screwed up at GoPBI in 2000-01. I was living through hell on earth. Until I made peace with dad last year, and forgave him for all the kicks, punches; and words that cut me like a knife, I was nothing but a short fuse waiting to be lit. I had no business posting anywhere at that time in my life.

[streetsoldier]

At least you are still capable of forgiveness...

[JetMaxx]

At least you are still capable of forgiveness...

The credit for that goes to my mother...who was a kind, gentle loving woman. I was only blessed to have her with me for a little over 15 years, but what she taught me, and showed me through her example left a lifetime impression. I had a much more difficult time forgiving dad for what he did to my sister than what he did to me...I couldn't forgive him for that until she did.

When Becky forgave dad for abusing her, we all three lost it. I told a fib the other night when saying my dad hadn't cried since mom died until Jessica Lynch's rescue. I forgot him crying like a baby, my little sister sitting in his lap, tears streaming down her face

Please understand one thing. My dad isn't some ex-convict monster that was high on drugs...he doesn't even drink alcohol, at least none in my lifetime. After mom died, he just changed....he would just snap and explode into a rage. Before mom's death, my dad was a kind, honorable man...a minister pastoring a small church, and a security supervisor. He was my hero....mom's death just did something to him.

He's not violent anymore....because I've kept a very close protective watch on my baby sister, now 18. Maybe he stopped because he remarried in 1983, or maybe because he's nearing age 70. He's definitely not the same caring father I had in 1976, but thank God he's not the abusive man he was in 1980 either.

Perry

[Steve H.]

You are not alone. I also suffer from chronic depression, associated with anxiety/panic and feelings of hopelessness. I'd suffered through more than 25 years of it. Tried the therapy, meds, homeopathics, biorythms; I would try to suppress my depression with alcohol, anphetamines, and a host of other drugs. But I had to take a real objective look at myself. I was a control freak (still try; unsuccessfuly); I had to realize that the expectations I imposed on others and upon myself were way off the mark, and impossible to achieve. i turned to my faith to get a better perspective of life and my place in the scheme of things. There are certain things I can control; others I cannot. I needed to learn the difference. Today I am much better; the attacks are much less frequent and my acceptance of my condition has helped tremendously. A very important point was made here. Helping others is incredibly beneficial. It allows us to get out of self and focus on other things, things of value. Being caught up in self squanders much time, but reaching out to others makes it productive time. I pray everyday for healing and the days get better. But for many it is not just something we can "will" away. Take counsel if you are struggling, and remember; there are a lot of people out there that have similar troubles....some worse. Are you crazy.....nah. Oh BTW I know many that have IQs over 130 and are nutz But the key is to get help. There's a lot available. We live in a very busy time where are lives have demands 24/7. We are hit from stimulation from work, family, school, the information superhighway, the internet :? the media, etc.,etc. I actually am of the opinion as are many sociologists/phychologists that people like us are actually reacting quite normally to what is thrown at us. Many times its quite overwhelming. But we somehow manage. Crap, I've got one income, 4 college educations to pay for and three weddings. :o But you know what, God doesn't give us any more than we can handle. And I believe that today. But we are also people pleasers and need to say NO to taking on extra burdens. So you are not alone out there. So relax, there is no need to worry about tomorrow, each day has enough trouble of its own. Cheers!!

[JetMaxx]

God bless you Steve!

That's a very good point....why can I forgive my dad, even for breaking my little sister's wrist? How can she forgive him for the pain...the mental torture that almost killed her? Because Jesus forgave us....my sins, my sisters mistakes...he forgave us for everything.

No, I'm not the perfect Christian....I've said and thought things about the Iraqi army and Fedeyeen the past two weeks that aren't printable on this forum. I'm not perfect...I sin every day.
I also ask God to forgive me of my sins every night...to make me a better person, and supply me strength to stop doing things I know are wrong.

I also believe Jesus Christ died for my sins, and I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in miracles...because I witnessed one this week; I prayed like I haven't prayed in a long time for a little girl from West Virginia that I don't even know, yet when those bloody female army uniforms were found, my heart sank. I was dreading but expecting to hear she was dead....because there was no way a 19 year old female supply clerk could survive torture and starvation, being bloodied and broken --but God had other plans. He heard prayers by millions of compassionate and patriotic Americans, and that little girl is alive.
It is a living miracle.

I can forgive my father, and anyone else of anything they did because my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ forgave me.

My faith today is a huge key to my sanity. I never walk alone...thank God, I never walk alone.

One of my favorite passages in the bible reads: "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil"

[JQ Public]

Don't you love this forum! People can relate w/ eachother on such a level that they almost bond. BTW Bill you're the same age as my dad. The more I learn about you the more I realize how much you have in common with him!!

[JetMaxx]

It is indeed a wonderful forum

[azskyman]

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful of human decisions guided by His love for His children.

There is nothing more destructive in one's life; not abuse, not hatred, not lying to oneself or others, that steals more from our ability to live our life with integrity and hope and in peace than an unforgiving heart.

An unforgiving heart steals passion from our ability to love another or ourselves. It serves as a cache of pain and bitterness which, if left unchecked, will find us take a dark past to our very own graves.

That you have forgiven your father, Perry, does not mean that you have excused his abuse. It instead means that you have recognized that human shortcomings can be found in all of us...and although his was among the most painful, it was nevertheless a sign of the human frailty we all carry with us in one form or another.

While an unforgiving heart steals from the soul who carries it, forgiveness sets you free and allows you to grow once again.

I see that happening to you right before my eyes here in this forum, and if for no other purpose than that, Storm2K is a wonderful blessing.

azskyman

[Stephanie]

Great topic Jet!

As a mentioned in an earlier post, I suffer from chronic depression and have been since about 1988. I believe that I've suffered bouts of it when I was a child and as a teenager too, but back then (1970's) it wasn't something that was readily discussed or even approved of for that matter. My depression really kicked in after several different events that kind of rocked my life. First, marriage to a guy that wasn't willing to grow or help out around the house; my new career which was more stressful than I could've imagined, my parents separating and divorcing after 26 years of marriage and various other things. I remember distinctly I would have no energy to do anything when I got home from work due to the stress. I would literally sit and watch the clock and count the minutes unitl I had to go to bed and then get up for work. I would do this on the weekend too. I finally went to see a pyschiatrist who put me on Pamelor at first and then I switched to Prozac after Pamelor gave me anxiety attacks.

A year or two later I switched jobs and then met Marty, my current paramour who was also married at the time. My marraige wasn't doing well, but in desperation, I wanted to try and have a child. So, with my doctor's consent, I came off of Prozac. Things started to go downhill gradually until I couldn't function anymore. The paranoia, the inability to deal with day to day activities, the crying at a drop of a hat and also the confusion of my relationship with Marty brought me to a full-fledged nervous breakdown. My doctor had suggested that I go into the hospital to get stabilized and I said no because I was afraid of the stigma. My next visit a couple of days later (an emergency visit) had me eventually admitted by my doctor to the hospital - I was suicidal at the time. I was so afraid of what was going to happen to me at work and how people were going to perceive me. I was truly amazed and blessed by the outpouring of love and suppor of my family and friends! That went along way towards healing - not to mention the medicine. Needless to say, I haven't been off the Prozac since!

I really related to what happened to Tiffany. All you want to do is just sleep - it's the only time when you don't feel any pain. Even though there's are plenty of people that are around to help and who love you, that emptiness and loneliness inside of you is so overwhelming. If any of you ever feel hopeless, sad for no reason, etc., please get help! As far as health insurance goes, I currently pay out of pocket for my sessions which are just once every six months now. I do that because I don't want the insurance companies telling me who I can or cannot see when I already have a relationship with one.

That's my story...

[Stephanie]

**BUMP**

I think this is an important topic...

[streetsoldier]

For me, closure is impossible; the "primary" abusers/enablers are deceased, others in the circle are in denial and unwilling to deal with their own "demons", and still others "disappeared" over time. After almost 3 years (2000-present) with the only "good" therapist I have ever had, I identified up to 150+ abusive people, and the list is growing, between 1951 and 1968. This number included family, classmates, some teachers, and some people I didn't know personally, but was in their "crosshairs" anyway...mostly at school.

Without the ability to reach these people, as mentioned, "closure", and the accompanying forgiveness, can't happen. Lot of unresolved issues here....which are continuing with people in my present circumstances.

[Stephanie]

Bill, I hope at the very least, you have found comfort and healing from the knowledge that these abuses were not your fault and they were the ones with the problem, not you. I whole hardily agree with your quote earlier that the people that don't seek help are the ones with the bigger problem. It is so true!

[streetsoldier]

Yes, Stephanie, I do understand that...breaking the healing process down as I've been involved in it here it is;

(1) I am not responsible for what happened;
(2) I didn't "deserve" it;
(3) I am in control, and what I was "programmed" to believe was and is a lie, and I don't have to "replay old tapes" (i.e., memories);
(4) I am responsible for my own happiness, regardless of past or present situational stimuli;
(5) Identification of stressors ("buttons pushed" to elicit desired negative responses by myself) allows me to refuse to permit past and presnet abusers to "get to me".

As to Rx, I'm taking Serzone (anti-anxiety/DSS), Klonopin ( buffer against situational stressors) and Doxepin (to enhance quality of sleep, and tricyclic anti-depressant). These allow me to operate on "5 of 8 cylinders"...but add DSS ("flashbacks"), congestive cardiovascular disorder, degenerative spinal disorder, recent kidney problems, arthritis, carpal tunnel, etc., and an utter lack of medical assistance (no money or insurance), and you get a clearer picture.

As to current abuse by wilful physical/medical/emotional neglect, I cannot (and should not) comment on these dynamics, as it is an "operation still in progress".

[Stephanie]

I'm aware of your other health problems Bill - you do have a full plate.

I wouldn't expect you to discuss anything that you don't feel appropriate. Just know we're all here if and when you want to.