Hurricane Humor

[LaPlaceFF]

Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (putting up plywood)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear and flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out of state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane season is like Christmas.......

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things I've Learned Since Hurricane Charley (Stay tuned for more lessons after Ivan)



Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
He who has the biggest generator wins..
Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
A new method of non-lethal torture - showers without hot water.
There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time.
A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz beers to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
There are a lot of trees around here.
Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.
Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, speed limits on roads without traffic lights does not increase.
Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.
Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the cops told me during a curfew stop.
Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
When required, a Chrysler 300M will float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same.
Some things DO keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane.
Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
Tree service companies are under appreciated.
I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout.
MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
I can walk a lot farther than I thought



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Florida Hurricane Season Notes:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by"the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine State").




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



30 Things Hurricanes Charley & Frances & Ivan Have Taught Us !!

1. An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.

2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col. Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.

3. When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.

4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--- and tastes just as bad.

5. AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need ( batteries )

6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.

7. Radio can be the best way to watch television.

8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.

9. SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.

10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.

11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.

12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator

13. You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.

14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.

15. Lake Eola can generate waves.

16. Gasoline is a value at any price

17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.

18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE

19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.

20. Candlelight is better than Botox--- it takes years off your appearance

21. Air Conditioning: BEST. INVENTION. EVER.

22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.

23. Shadow animals on the wall---still fun.

24. No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.

25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of

co- workers or neighbors who do not.

26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.

27. Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.

28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator

29. Somebody's got it worse.

30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they are getting preferential treatment.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



CARL HIAASEN
HURRICANE JOURNALISM
On the beach, waiting for Frances
Excerpts from The Handbook for Roving Hurricane Correspondents:

Welcome to the exciting world of hurricane journalism!

While your highly paid colleagues on the anchor desk are broadcasting from the dry safety of a heavily fortified television studio, you and your camera crew will be out in the maw of the storm, risking your lives for no good reason.

* What you should wear: Always choose the flimsiest rain jacket available, to visually dramatize the effect of strong winds. All foul-weather gear should be brightly colored in the event you're swept out to sea or sucked down a drainage culvert, and someone actually goes searching for you.

* What you should televise: The first rule of hurricane coverage is that every broadcast must begin with palm trees bending in the wind. Never mind that the puniest summer squall can send a coconut palm into convulsions, your producer will demand this meaningless shot.

Once the storm begins, you can forget about swaying palm trees and concentrate on ficus, banyans, oaks and Austrialian pines -- the ones that actually go down.

Fallen-tree video is absolutely essential to hurricane broadcasts. The most sought-after footage is, in order of ratings:

1. Big tree on strip mall.

2. Big tree on house.

3. Big tree on car.

4. Small tree on car.

5. Assorted shrubbery on car.

Note: The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics forbids correspondents from purposely knocking down any native vegetation with a TV satellite truck to simulate weather damage.

* Where you should go: The days before a hurricane are the most challenging for roving correspondents, because not much is happening. Needless to say, if you've got a choice between hanging out at the local Home Depot or cruising the beach, head immediately for the surf.

When the storm finally comes ashore, always stand dangerously near the rough water and position yourself so that the spray hits you directly in the face. If it's not raining yet, take off your hood and let the wind mess up your hair.

Remember: A wet, tired and weather-beaten appearance is crucial to your credibility as a hurricane journalist.

* What you should say: When covering a hurricane, there's no such thing as overstating the obvious. And, let's face it, how many different ways can you say it's rainy, windy and miserable?

To break the monotony, you might take a guess at how high the ''storm surge'' will be, even though you won't have a clue. Tedious lulls in the action will also offer the opportunity to ramble on about ''feeder bands,'' which is the slick new term for squall lines.

And when the dry, well-fed anchorfolks back in the air-conditioned studio ask you to sum up the situation in your location, always say the following:

``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''

* Whom should you interview: As a hurricane advances, it's standard procedure to chat with evacuees, hotel owners, utility workers and disappointed tourists.

The two mandatory video loops are (a) worried residents boarding up and (b) harried residents standing in long lines to purchase water, batteries and other supplies.

Once the storm is imminent and the coastlines are evacuated, your interview possibilities will be reduced to:

1. Police and emergency personnel who are out on the streets because it's their job.

2. Amateur ''storm chasers'' and other wandering dolts who wish to experience the force of a hurricane up-close and personal.

3. Surfers.

Of these, surfers are by far the most entertaining interview subjects for TV. Unfortunately, you could easily die trying to talk them out of the water.

* What to do when the hurricane actually strikes: Obviously the sensible move is to broadcast from the protected lee of a strong building, but for that you could get fired.

Your producer will instead order you to step into the teeth of the storm, where you risk being clobbered by flying glass, coconuts, shingles, patio furniture or surfboards.

This is an act of utter derangement, but it makes for amusing television. If you survive, your next mission will be to find and film a major piece of hurricane debris -- the money shot.

Remember, your viewers' expectations are high. They've watched that big slow mother whorling across the Doppler for a week, and they've been primed for devastation on a biblical scale.

Take no chances. Proceed immediately to the nearest trailer park, being extra careful not to crash into other TV crews on the way.

* What to do when the worst is over: A friendly reminder -- The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics strictly prohibits drinking on the air. However, only you and your camera crew need know what goes on in the privacy of the satellite truck. If anybody asks, you know what to say: ``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''

[Stephanie]

Those were great!!!!

[CentralFlGal]

We never get tired of these!

------------------------------

Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies. The changes are as follows:

The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp...............

The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chain saw.....

The new State song will be " Blowing in the Wind"..................

The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one".....

The new State tree will be ..............any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season.

The new State Bird will be the "whipper" will.............

The new State nickname will be "State of Disaster"................

However, keep in mind, that Disney will be the "last man standing" as they are up and running...............

You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first
names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

Your freezer never has more than $20 worth of food in it any given time

You're looking at paint swatches for the plywood on your windows, to accent the house color

You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy"

Your pool is more accurately described as "framed in" than "screened in"

Your freezer in the garage now only has homemade ice in it

You no longer worry about relatives visiting during the summer months

You, too, haven't heard back from the insurance adjuster

You now understand what that little "2% hurricane deductible" phrase really means

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

You were once proud of your 16" electric chain saw

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

You now own 5 large ice chests

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power
company trucks come down your street

You're depressed when they don't stop

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood,
roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade
around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your
neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

[cycloneye]

Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (putting up plywood)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear and flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out of state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane season is like Christmas.......

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things I've Learned Since Hurricane Charley (Stay tuned for more lessons after Ivan)



Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
He who has the biggest generator wins..
Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
A new method of non-lethal torture - showers without hot water.
There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time.
A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz beers to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
There are a lot of trees around here.
Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.
Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, speed limits on roads without traffic lights does not increase.
Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.
Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the cops told me during a curfew stop.
Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
When required, a Chrysler 300M will float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same.
Some things DO keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane.
Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
Tree service companies are under appreciated.
I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout.
MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
I can walk a lot farther than I thought



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Florida Hurricane Season Notes:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by"the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine State").




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



30 Things Hurricanes Charley & Frances & Ivan Have Taught Us !!

1. An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.

2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col. Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.

3. When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.

4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--- and tastes just as bad.

5. AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need ( batteries )

6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.

7. Radio can be the best way to watch television.

8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.

9. SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.

10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.

11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.

12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator

13. You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.

14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.

15. Lake Eola can generate waves.

16. Gasoline is a value at any price

17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.

18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE

19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.

20. Candlelight is better than Botox--- it takes years off your appearance

21. Air Conditioning: BEST. INVENTION. EVER.

22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.

23. Shadow animals on the wall---still fun.

24. No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.

25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of

co- workers or neighbors who do not.

26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.

27. Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.

28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator

29. Somebody's got it worse.

30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they are getting preferential treatment.




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



CARL HIAASEN
HURRICANE JOURNALISM
On the beach, waiting for Frances
Excerpts from The Handbook for Roving Hurricane Correspondents:

Welcome to the exciting world of hurricane journalism!

While your highly paid colleagues on the anchor desk are broadcasting from the dry safety of a heavily fortified television studio, you and your camera crew will be out in the maw of the storm, risking your lives for no good reason.

* What you should wear: Always choose the flimsiest rain jacket available, to visually dramatize the effect of strong winds. All foul-weather gear should be brightly colored in the event you're swept out to sea or sucked down a drainage culvert, and someone actually goes searching for you.

* What you should televise: The first rule of hurricane coverage is that every broadcast must begin with palm trees bending in the wind. Never mind that the puniest summer squall can send a coconut palm into convulsions, your producer will demand this meaningless shot.

Once the storm begins, you can forget about swaying palm trees and concentrate on ficus, banyans, oaks and Austrialian pines -- the ones that actually go down.

Fallen-tree video is absolutely essential to hurricane broadcasts. The most sought-after footage is, in order of ratings:

1. Big tree on strip mall.

2. Big tree on house.

3. Big tree on car.

4. Small tree on car.

5. Assorted shrubbery on car.

Note: The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics forbids correspondents from purposely knocking down any native vegetation with a TV satellite truck to simulate weather damage.

* Where you should go: The days before a hurricane are the most challenging for roving correspondents, because not much is happening. Needless to say, if you've got a choice between hanging out at the local Home Depot or cruising the beach, head immediately for the surf.

When the storm finally comes ashore, always stand dangerously near the rough water and position yourself so that the spray hits you directly in the face. If it's not raining yet, take off your hood and let the wind mess up your hair.

Remember: A wet, tired and weather-beaten appearance is crucial to your credibility as a hurricane journalist.

* What you should say: When covering a hurricane, there's no such thing as overstating the obvious. And, let's face it, how many different ways can you say it's rainy, windy and miserable?

To break the monotony, you might take a guess at how high the ''storm surge'' will be, even though you won't have a clue. Tedious lulls in the action will also offer the opportunity to ramble on about ''feeder bands,'' which is the slick new term for squall lines.

And when the dry, well-fed anchorfolks back in the air-conditioned studio ask you to sum up the situation in your location, always say the following:

``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''

* Whom should you interview: As a hurricane advances, it's standard procedure to chat with evacuees, hotel owners, utility workers and disappointed tourists.

The two mandatory video loops are (a) worried residents boarding up and (b) harried residents standing in long lines to purchase water, batteries and other supplies.

Once the storm is imminent and the coastlines are evacuated, your interview possibilities will be reduced to:

1. Police and emergency personnel who are out on the streets because it's their job.

2. Amateur ''storm chasers'' and other wandering dolts who wish to experience the force of a hurricane up-close and personal.

3. Surfers.

Of these, surfers are by far the most entertaining interview subjects for TV. Unfortunately, you could easily die trying to talk them out of the water.

* What to do when the hurricane actually strikes: Obviously the sensible move is to broadcast from the protected lee of a strong building, but for that you could get fired.

Your producer will instead order you to step into the teeth of the storm, where you risk being clobbered by flying glass, coconuts, shingles, patio furniture or surfboards.

This is an act of utter derangement, but it makes for amusing television. If you survive, your next mission will be to find and film a major piece of hurricane debris -- the money shot.

Remember, your viewers' expectations are high. They've watched that big slow mother whorling across the Doppler for a week, and they've been primed for devastation on a biblical scale.

Take no chances. Proceed immediately to the nearest trailer park, being extra careful not to crash into other TV crews on the way.

* What to do when the worst is over: A friendly reminder -- The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics strictly prohibits drinking on the air. However, only you and your camera crew need know what goes on in the privacy of the satellite truck. If anybody asks, you know what to say: ``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''

Very good laughing while we wait for things to heat up in the Atlantic.

[AussieMark]

that was hilarious

[Brent]

[drudd1]

That was great!

MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????

I can relate to this one. We spent what seemed like an eternity without power after Charley, getting it back in time to lose it on the next go around, and our power bill was higher than the previous month! Go figure...........

[LaPlaceFF]

Bumping this topic

[Astro_man92]

We never get tired of these!

------------------------------








The state motto will now be..."Oh my God, Here comes another one".....

The new State tree will be ..............any that are left standing at the end of hurricane season.






You might be a Floridian if:

You exhibit a slight twitch when introduced to anyone with the first
names of Charley, Frances or Ivan

You think of your hall closet/safe room as "cozy"

You're putting a collage together on your driveway of roof shingles from your neighborhood

Your Street has more than 3 "NO WAKE" signs posted

Your parrot can now say" hammered, pounded and hunker down"

You recognize people in line at the free ice, gas and plywood locations

You stop what you're doing and clap and wave when you see a convoy of power
company trucks come down your street

You have the personal cell phone numbers of the managers for: plywood,
roofing supplies and generators at Home Depot on your speed dialer

You've spent more than $20 on "Tall white kitchen bags" to make your own sand bags

You're considering upgrading your 16" to a 20" chainsaw

You know what "Bar chain oil" is

You're thinking of getting your wife the hardhat with the ear
protector and face shield for Christmas

You now think the $6000 whole house generator seems reasonable

You look forward to discussions about the merits of "cubed, block and dry ice"

Your therapist refers to your condition as "generator envy"

You fight the urge to put on your winter coat and wool cap and parade
around in front of your picture window, when you finally get power and your
neighbor across the street, with the noisy generator, doesn't get electric

And finally, you might be a Floridian if:

You ask your sister up north to start saving the Sunday Real Estate classifieds!

LOL

[HurricaneGirl]

I hadn't seen the Hurricane Journalist Guidlines before. That was great!

[EDR1222]

Too Funny!

[recmod]

On my Hurricane Season 2004 Website, I put together a montage of some of the editorial cartoons that were featured in newspapers last year during the barrage of Florida storms:


>>>>>>Hurricane Humor<<<<<<



Enjoy!

--Lou

[Petmom]

Top 10 Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas

10. Decorating the house (putting up plywood)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear and flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you.
5. Family and friends from out of state calling.
4. Buying food you don't normally buy and in large quantities.
3. Days off from work.
2. Candles

And the number one reason Hurricane season is like Christmas.......

1. At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!!




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things I've Learned Since Hurricane Charley (Stay tuned for more lessons after Ivan)



Coffee and frozen pizzas can be made on a BBQ grill.
No matter how many times you flick the switch, lights don't work without electricity.
Kids can survive 4 days or longer without a video game controller in their hand.
He who has the biggest generator wins..
Women can actually survive without doing their hair--you just wish they weren't around you.
A new method of non-lethal torture - showers without hot water.
There are a lot more stars in the sky than most people thought.
TV is an addiction and the withdrawal symptoms are painful. One day at a time.
A 7 lb bag of ice will chill 6-12 oz beers to a drinkable temperature in 11 minutes, and still keep a 14-pound turkey frozen for 8 more hours.
There are a lot of trees around here.
Flood plan drawings on some mortgage documents were seriously wrong.
Contrary to most Florida natives' beliefs, speed limits on roads without traffic lights does not increase.
Aluminum siding, while aesthetically pleasing, is definitely not required.
Just because you're over 21 doesn't mean you can stay out as late as you want. At least that's what the cops told me during a curfew stop.
Crickets can increase their volume to overcome the sound of 14 generators.
People will get into a line that has already formed without having any idea what the line is for.
When required, a Chrysler 300M will float--doesn't steer well, but floats just the same.
Some things DO keep the mailman from his appointed rounds.
Tele-marketers function no matter what the weather is doing.
Cell phones work when land lines are down, but only as long as the battery remains charged.
27 of your neighbors are fed from a different transformer than you, and they are quick to point that out!
Laundry hampers were not made to contain such a volume.
If I had a store that sold only ice, chainsaws, gas, and generators...I'd be rich.
The price of a bag of ice rises 200% after a hurricane.
Your water front property can quickly become someone else's fishing hole.
Tree service companies are under appreciated.
I learned what happens when you make fun of another state's blackout.
MATH 101: 30 days in month, minus 6 days without power equals 30% higher electric bill ?????
Drywall is a compound word, take away the "dry" part and it's worthless.
I can walk a lot farther than I thought



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Florida Hurricane Season Notes:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by"the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.


Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane
preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and...

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida", you live in a low-lying area.)

The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine State").




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30 Things Hurricanes Charley & Frances & Ivan Have Taught Us !!

1. An oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing up.

2. Even after all these years it is still nice to spend time with Col. Mustard in the ballroom with the lead pipe.

3. When house hunting look for closets with lots of leg room.

4. Water from the shower is much colder than water from the kitchen sink--- and tastes just as bad.

5. AA, C and D are the only alphabet we need ( batteries )

6. The four-way stop is still an ingenious reflection of civility.

7. Radio can be the best way to watch television.

8. Chain-saw wielding men are nothing to be afraid of.

9. SUV's are the best makeshift tents on the market.

10. You can use your washing machine as a cooler.

11. It's your God given right to sit on your back porch and eat Chinese takeout by candlelight in your underwear.

12. We shouldn't complain about "useless" tools in the garage-- we actually DO need a generator

13. You can' t spell "priceless" without I-C-E.

14. Downed power lines make excellent security systems.

15. Lake Eola can generate waves.

16. Gasoline is a value at any price

17. Cell phones: Breaking up isn't hard to do.

18. The life blood of any disaster recovery is COFFEE

19. The need for your dog to go out and take care of business is inversely proportional to the severity of the storm.

20. Candlelight is better than Botox--- it takes years off your appearance

21. Air Conditioning: BEST. INVENTION. EVER.

22. Water is a comfort food. But 3-day-old Cheetos are too.

23. Shadow animals on the wall---still fun.

24. No matter how hard the wind blows, roadside campaign signs will survive.

25. You should never admit to having power at your house in the presence of

co- workers or neighbors who do not.

26. There's a plus to having NOTHING in the refrigerator.

27. Getting through the day should be an Olympic event.

28. The movie theater can be a most pleasant place, even if the feature is Alien vs. Predator

29. Somebody's got it worse.

30. Somebody's got it better. Obviously, they are getting preferential treatment.




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CARL HIAASEN
HURRICANE JOURNALISM
On the beach, waiting for Frances
Excerpts from The Handbook for Roving Hurricane Correspondents:

Welcome to the exciting world of hurricane journalism!

While your highly paid colleagues on the anchor desk are broadcasting from the dry safety of a heavily fortified television studio, you and your camera crew will be out in the maw of the storm, risking your lives for no good reason.

* What you should wear: Always choose the flimsiest rain jacket available, to visually dramatize the effect of strong winds. All foul-weather gear should be brightly colored in the event you're swept out to sea or sucked down a drainage culvert, and someone actually goes searching for you.

* What you should televise: The first rule of hurricane coverage is that every broadcast must begin with palm trees bending in the wind. Never mind that the puniest summer squall can send a coconut palm into convulsions, your producer will demand this meaningless shot.

Once the storm begins, you can forget about swaying palm trees and concentrate on ficus, banyans, oaks and Austrialian pines -- the ones that actually go down.

Fallen-tree video is absolutely essential to hurricane broadcasts. The most sought-after footage is, in order of ratings:

1. Big tree on strip mall.

2. Big tree on house.

3. Big tree on car.

4. Small tree on car.

5. Assorted shrubbery on car.

Note: The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics forbids correspondents from purposely knocking down any native vegetation with a TV satellite truck to simulate weather damage.

* Where you should go: The days before a hurricane are the most challenging for roving correspondents, because not much is happening. Needless to say, if you've got a choice between hanging out at the local Home Depot or cruising the beach, head immediately for the surf.

When the storm finally comes ashore, always stand dangerously near the rough water and position yourself so that the spray hits you directly in the face. If it's not raining yet, take off your hood and let the wind mess up your hair.

Remember: A wet, tired and weather-beaten appearance is crucial to your credibility as a hurricane journalist.

* What you should say: When covering a hurricane, there's no such thing as overstating the obvious. And, let's face it, how many different ways can you say it's rainy, windy and miserable?

To break the monotony, you might take a guess at how high the ''storm surge'' will be, even though you won't have a clue. Tedious lulls in the action will also offer the opportunity to ramble on about ''feeder bands,'' which is the slick new term for squall lines.

And when the dry, well-fed anchorfolks back in the air-conditioned studio ask you to sum up the situation in your location, always say the following:

``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''

* Whom should you interview: As a hurricane advances, it's standard procedure to chat with evacuees, hotel owners, utility workers and disappointed tourists.

The two mandatory video loops are (a) worried residents boarding up and (b) harried residents standing in long lines to purchase water, batteries and other supplies.

Once the storm is imminent and the coastlines are evacuated, your interview possibilities will be reduced to:

1. Police and emergency personnel who are out on the streets because it's their job.

2. Amateur ''storm chasers'' and other wandering dolts who wish to experience the force of a hurricane up-close and personal.

3. Surfers.

Of these, surfers are by far the most entertaining interview subjects for TV. Unfortunately, you could easily die trying to talk them out of the water.

* What to do when the hurricane actually strikes: Obviously the sensible move is to broadcast from the protected lee of a strong building, but for that you could get fired.

Your producer will instead order you to step into the teeth of the storm, where you risk being clobbered by flying glass, coconuts, shingles, patio furniture or surfboards.

This is an act of utter derangement, but it makes for amusing television. If you survive, your next mission will be to find and film a major piece of hurricane debris -- the money shot.

Remember, your viewers' expectations are high. They've watched that big slow mother whorling across the Doppler for a week, and they've been primed for devastation on a biblical scale.

Take no chances. Proceed immediately to the nearest trailer park, being extra careful not to crash into other TV crews on the way.

* What to do when the worst is over: A friendly reminder -- The Hurricane Broadcasters Code of Ethics strictly prohibits drinking on the air. However, only you and your camera crew need know what goes on in the privacy of the satellite truck. If anybody asks, you know what to say: ``Conditions are deteriorating, Dwight.''

That is so funny. LOL

[bevgo]

I loved those. The one about clapping and waving when the power trucks go by really hit home, In Meridian last year we were driving around town to look at damage and to get cooled off and blew our horn and clapped every time we saw workers. LOL

[Jim Cantore]

[NCHurricane]

Very funny stuff. Worthy of a bump!

[Hurricaneman]

[HurriCat]

I've got an idea - let's all quote these big, long posts repeatedly, so that they have to be scrolled-through endlessly in order to read what few actual posts there are. This is FUN.

[Astro_man92]

I think this should be a badge that you can where if oyu are a floridian that went through the 2004 hurricane season but seriously

[seaswing]

I'd like to get a t-shirt with that logo on it!