Jun 1, 2005
Mother Nature About To Have Mood Swing
DANIEL RUTH
Ah yes, it's here again - puckering time has arrived.
And thus the news pages and airwaves are filled with stories detailing all the many and hurried preparations Floridians are making for the advent of yet another six-month stretch of anxiety, otherwise known as hurricane season - or the world's longest cocktail hour.
There's the annual run on plywood, generators, batteries and coolers.
Yet, despite all the effort, you can be assured of one eternal truth: Do whatever you want to make you feel you're prepared, but in your heart of hearts you still know you are complete toast.
Here's what we learned last year as hurricanes crisscrossed the state: Whatever you decide to do, you're probably wrong.
Stay? Leave? Yes, absolutely.
Fun, Fun, Fun
We also know that if you live in Pinellas County ... hahahahaha!
If you live in Pinellas County, the Netherlands of varicose veins, and you're wondering whether to evacuate, the answer is yes - right now.
Otherwise, make sure your floaties are inflated and hope for the best.
Isn't this fun?
Earlier this week, within these pages some citizens were quoted complaining about the high cost of stuff associated with hurricane preparedness.
As well, in an earlier report broadcast over News Channel 8, other residents unbelievably complained of not getting enough hurricane information last year, which is a bit like Hugh Hefner grousing about all that nudity in Playboy.
Not enough information?!?!?!
Really now, hurricanes are the crack cocaine of television, enabling reporters to look simply swell on camera as they get blown around, while the meteorologists back at the station are positively in a state of euphoria playing with all those hi-tech weather gizmos.
There's VIPER!!! Doppler Radar! Double Doppler Radar! There's squiggly lines of squiggly lines! Footprints of Death! Cones of Chaos! VIPER eats Mace Michaels!
Gracious, if you weren't getting enough hurricane information, you had to be watching The Unmitigated Moron Channel.
Merely A Thought
At the same time, one can hardly blame the media if one is uninformed during hurricane season.
You can make a case that when one decides to live in Florida, one ought to accept a modicum of personal responsibility to understand one may have one's keister blown all the way to Bermuda.
Indeed, perhaps this time of year ought to inspire a new state motto: This is Florida. Stuff happens. Mostly To You.
It's just a thought.
And yes, it is certainly true that if one stocks up on all the disaster provisions recommended by emergency experts to survive a hurricane, one is looking at several hundred dollars invested in items such as canned food, radios, paper towels, medical supplies and the like.
This is the price of living in a state with serious weather issues. Think of it as living with Marilyn Monroe - on an oxygen tank.
Florida is not all Margaritaville and sunsets and Mickey Mouse.
When people move here, they ought to know that in addition to all its obvious charms, very, very bad things can happen to you - corrupt real estate developers, con men preying on the elderly and hurricanes turning little slices of paradise into a toxic waste dump.
So please, don't move here and then start complaining about the high price of plywood.
Nobody forced you to live in a state where Mother Nature turns into Joan Crawford for six months every year.
So hunker down, and while you're assembling that all- important hurricane survival kit, don't forget the most vital of survival items of all: Dewar's, Boodles, club soda, tonic water, ice, lemons, limes, olives, Rolling Rock, chardonnay, merlot, cabernet sauvignon, more ice and vermouth.
You can never be too prepared.
This story can be found at: http://www.tampatrib.com/MGB87GP2F9E.html
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