Parent in a nursing home?

[coriolis]

Theresa and I are struggling over the decision whether "its time" that her mother goes to a residential facility. Mom has been living with us for most of 15 years and has gradually lost the ability to take care of her personal needs. It's reached the point that someone needs to be here 24/7 to keep an eye on her.

We are going through the expected anguish over the decision, the guilt, the second thoughts, the uncertainty, etc.

We can find information on the 'net about the financial aspects, but we're wondering about the emotional aspects, as well as the concern about getting a "good" or a "bad home."

Would anyone like to share their experiences, good or bad? Do you feel that you made the right decision, do you have regrets, etc.

I'd like to hear your story. It will help.

Thanks.

[abajan]

When you say that someone needs to be there 24/7, are you refering to just Theresa and yourself or is a hired third party also included?

I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you or anyhting but is it not feasible to hire a live-in nurse (or perhaps 3 nurses working 8 hour shifts) to take care of Mom instead of sending her to a home?

I don't know which option is the most practical (or inexpensive, for that matter). I think I can imagine the turmoil you're going through, though.

[SouthernWx]

I've just been through that my friend, and sadly...am afraid I'm about to experience it again (or something similar).

My great aunt Millie is 90, a widow, has no children; all she's got is her 92 yr older sister (my grandmother) and me. Aunt Millie is totally blind, terminally ill, and unable to care for herself.

After a 15 day hospital stay in April (inoperable gallstones; kidney failure; suspected intestinal cancer), all her doctors recommended a hospice...but aunt Millie would hear none of it. A major problem I face with her? She refuses to admit she's dying...will astoundingly tell her doctors "I'm fine; still do all my cooking and housework at home". Of course, the doctors (and social workers) know she's fibbing. On several occasions before moving in with Granny and me, my aunt was carried to the hospital by ambulance, and they ER nurses had to "clean her up" before treating her (which embarrassed the daylights out of me me...even though she didn't live with us).

Another problem we face with my great aunt....she owns two homes (both needing cleaning and minor repairs before trying to sell them) and has a considerable bank account (although it's being depleted quickly by repeated hospital admissions since January, nursing home care, $400+ a month for her medications, etc.). It's not easy to "force" someone into a facility who owns a lot of property and fears losing it all (along with her freedom).

To make a long story short....I was finally able to reason with my great aunt in late April; told her either she went into a nursing rehab center willingly, or her doctors were prepared to obtain a court order and put her in a home against her will (and I being a great nephew without durable power of attorney, couldn't say a word to stop it).

My great aunt reluctantly agreed and went to a local nursing home on April 25. The good news: she miraculously got better there (even after three hard falls), surprising all her doctors...who thought she was gone (only weighed 86 lbs when she arrived at the home); but the bad news? After six weeks, aunt Millie DEMANDED to be sent back home; discharged from the nursing home (or she'd sue)...and her doctor reluctantly agreed, advising her to stay with me and Granny (how could she possibly take a dozen kinds of medications correctly??).

She's been back here since June 3rd (and I still HAVEN'T recieved a promised $3000 refund; had to pay for June in advance...the entire friggin month). Today we learned aunt Millie has a large mass on her right lung, her hemoglobin is extremely low, and she has severe anemia. I knew something was wrong...she stopped eating again several days ago (just ate a few bites all day today; is so weak, I'm now having to assist her to/from the bathroom; am carrying meals to her bed).

I'm taking her back to the doctor in the morning for bloodwork, and more x-rays are scheduled at the local hospital. If as I and the doctor suspect this is cancer on her lung...spread from the intestinal cancer doctors suspected she had in late April (all tests were undetermined, but there was blood in her stool, and she has survived cancer twice since 1980).....if this is indeed cancer, I'm going to bring in home hospice ASAP (which the doctor still recommends)...my great aunt is suffering from delusions and now taking medications for dementia, alhzeimers disease, and depression; it's time I step in, take control of the situation, and stop the insanity of allowing an incompetent terminally ill stubborn 90 yr old blind woman try to mis-handle her own affairs (which is killing my grandmother and keeping me stessed to the max in recent days

Thats why I now say if this is indeed terminal lung cancer, I'll opt for hospice or more likely home hospice care for my great aunt. At least I can keep a close eye on her....with assistance from hospice personnel (and a private nurse I'll hire; at least I'll get a break from the stress for 8 hours a day).

***A word of advice about nursing homes: check it out before leaving your relative there. One reason I reluctantly agreed to bringing aunt Millie here 19 days ago? The nursing facility where she was at was IMO terrible. They were very shorthanded/ not nearly enough nursing staff; short on supplies (didn't even have enough water pitchers for all the residents...I purchased my aunt a new one, and kept it filled with ice in daytime). my great aunt fell three times while staying there; she'd push the nurse call at night and wait and wait until she couldn't wait any longer...try to get to the bathroom by herself, and fall (was very lucky to not have fractured a hip; did require 14 stitches for a bad gash on her forehead). The elderly woman in the room with my aunt said if she messed in her bed, the nurses got furious....if she called for help, they ignored her (she had broken both hips in the seven years she'd been a resident there...trying to get herself to the restroom

I wish you the very best.....and know what you are going through.

Perry

[SouthernWx]

I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you or anyhting but is it not feasible to hire a live-in nurse (or perhaps 3 nurses working 8 hour shifts) to take care of Mom instead of sending her to a home?

Private nurses 24 hours a day would be extremely expensive....I've looked into that option regarding my grandmother and great aunt.

In this area, one nurse is about $300-400 a week (the cheapest I could find); so imagine what 24 hour a day nursing would cost....more than most nursing homes in this area.

FYI: if anyone here or at other forums wonders WHY I sometimes get "crazy" and freak out: I've been caring for my grandmother since May 2000 ALONE. I've been caring for both my elderly grandmother AND my 90 yr old great aunt the past 16 months ALONE; I get no assistance from my dad....nor my sisters. The only breaks I've gotten is when Granny or aunt Millie are in the hospital (and even then, I'm still caring for the one who ISN'T in the hospital). I honestly don't rememeber the last good nights sleep I had....probably 2 or 3 years ago.

I awoke yesterday to aunt Millie pooping all over the bathroom; had to clean up the toilet, mop the bathroom floor, clean her up, put her on clean clothes then get everyone breakfast (before washing all the poopy clothes).....thank God today was slightly better, although Granny and aunt Millie had their "daily" sisterly fuss, and being the referee stresses the hell out of me

I keep the house clean....keep Granny's and aunt Millie's medications in order....make sure they take it properly....feed my great aunt (thankfully Granny is still able to feed herself)....mow both their lawns (thankfully I finally bought a lawn tractor) I don't blame anyone for placing their loved one in a nice facility.
I feel as if I've aged a decade during the past two years; when sis recently visited from Oregon, she mentioned how much I'd aged since she'd last seen me (no surprise to me).

Taking care of the elderly is both heart wrenching and stressful beyond imagination....and when you are attempting to care for TWO elderly loved ones in the same house and they don't get along very well (meaning Perry's the referee/ peacemaker)....it's even worse; much worse.

It's a miracle I'm as normal, courteous, and cheery as I am on the boards.....it's honestly a miracle.

[CajunMama]

Go visit as many nursing homes as you can. You'll know the right one the minute you step foot in the door. My dad and I visited several nursing homes in our area and the minute I walked into Bethany I knew it was the one for her. There was a peaceful feeling there. It was far from the newest fanciest schmanciest homes and it was also private pay. You see, no men were allowed there...it was originally a retirement homes for nuns. Thankfully, my parents were able to afford her care there. She liked it there and they kept her very comfortable and I believe they actually cared for each of their residents.

[Terry]

It is a tough decision, but one you get a gut feeling for making a call.

We put my mothing in law in progressive care. Hard decision. And then harder to move her up to the next level she is in now.

Ask yourself what you'd want your closest relatives to do for you. And check out a variety of facilities. The one we settled on is very cheerful, open to visitors, but safe for residents, good transportation, great food and medical care. And it has progressive care so we can sign on for more extensive care/needs as things progress. (at a greater cost, of course.)

Hang in there.

[azskyman]

SouthernWx....the struggles in your life are bittersweet in that you are caring for those you love...and who need the help, yet are both physically and emotionally exhausted by the short short tether that keeps you there.

I have seen it over and over again in our family...where loved ones need care and the care givers find themselves unable to function in a life of their own.

Where the line is drawn and when the decision is made is a personal one...but if done out of love and appreciation for the treasures in life that these folks have once given, there should be no guilt. Anguish perhaps. Sadness for sure. But no guilt.

Ed..your decision is not an easy one. I have an uncle who has been in a home in southern Wisconsin for several years now. And while he dearly misses his home in Daytona Beach, he knows he could not have managed it in these years.

He sings some, paints with watercolor, and still finds time to smile and laugh with others.

Perhaps that is what you can hope for if your decision is to take that step out of love.

[angelwing]

My husband's family had to put his father & mother in nursing homes. The father was first (1990)and due to some family problems, the eldest (his sister)had to get a guardian for his care as his mother could not take care of him. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was still living at home with his parents and his dad got to the point where he had to be picked up to go to the commode, etc (he had mini-strokes, Parkinson's and degenerative brain disorder)so eventually his dad had to go to a nursing home. When we got married in 1992, we lived with his mom, as she couldn't walk (it was a tough choice, either live with my mom, who was legally blind and my dad died in 92 or live with his mom, my mom was doing better)so we both took care of her and saw him twice a week. He did live for 5 years there and all in all it was not as bad as some would think, at least this nursing home wasn't as bad as some we looked at.

His dad died 3/16/97...his mom had to go to a nursing home in May of that year, she got really bad and lasted a year at a totally different one closed to her daughter. This nursing home was very good, better than the one his dad was in.

There's a lot more, but all in all it was not that bad. Do yourself a favor and check them all out, if the first thing that hits you in the face is a smell, leave, it's not the place to keep anyone in.

[petal*pusher]

First of all....God bless you for being able to take care of your Mother-in-Law for 15 years!

Seven years ago, we place my Mom in an Alzheimer's facility. Although this move was VERY difficult for her and us.....it has proved the absolutely best thing we could have done. In the beginning, Mom very much resented our actions....and out of six siblings, her anger was directed mostly to me. After about 6 months, she accepted her surroundings......and now, of course, is not aware she has not always lived there.

We found a wonderful place. There are some very questionable ones out there. Both my in-laws also have dementia....and, sadly, are still living on their own. Right now I'm struggling with their care....and trying to make my husbands family realize that we HAVE to get my Mom-in-Law out of a very bad situation. This once extremely neat little lady (Alzheimer's) now cannot even shower herself or do simple tasks....all responsibilities have been passed over to my Father-in-Law, who also shows signs of this horrific disease. Because of my familiarity with Alzheimer's, they seem to accept help only from me.......and my time is limited for helping them.

I surely wish you many prayers of guidance......and the veils of guilt to be lifted.....you have some tough decisions to make.....but what you have already been doing has surely been difficult. Best wishes, my friend......p

[coriolis]

Thanks for the input, all. Perry, God bless ya!