Louisiana Hurricane Preparedness... pretty funny

[TSmith274]

I recieved this in an email today. Got a little chuckle from it. Enjoy...

Subject: HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS
We're entering hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and
seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of
Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're
new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our
experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as
your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other
area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies
would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they
might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have
to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane
protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area.)
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in
your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with five hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies.
Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the
last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights
with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and
water, you will need the following supplies:
* 23 flashlights
* At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off,
to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody
who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise!
> > >

[skysummit]

Ha!!! That's just too funny The most painful part about the whole article is that it's mostly true!

[Josephine96]

It's making me wanna move to Nebraska lol..

Maybe I'll print this up and show it to my Wal Mart folks lol..

[Josephine96]

[senorpepr]

Hmmm... I don't think Nebraska is such a good idea. Too much hail and tornadoes. I suggest moving further northwest...

[southerngale]

This was originally written by Dave Barry for Florida. And it's very funny!

http://www.storm2k.org/phpbb2/viewtopic ... dave+barry

[Agua]

This was originally written by Dave Barry for Florida. And it's very funny!

http://www.storm2k.org/phpbb2/viewtopic ... dave+barry

That's what I thought. It read like Dave Berry and sounded like someone just changed a few things around to customize it for Louisiana.

[sunny]

This made the "email" rounds when Arlene was out there. Natrually Nawlins'!

News Flash:

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - As Tropical Storm Arlene churned through the Gulf of Mexico late Thursday and took aim at the coast of Louisiana, south of New Orleans, a throng of some 50,000 angry protestors stormed the studios of WWL-TV, the CBS affiliate in this city.

The mob, repeatedly chanting, "We want Nash!" overturned tables, threw cameras and sets onto Rampart Street on the rim of the city's famous French Quarter. The reference was to longtime New Orleans weatherman, Nash Roberts who grew to legendary status predicting with amazing precision the landfall of countless hurricanes since his original station, WDSU-TV signed on the air in 1946.

Many in the crowd waved black Marks-a-lot pens, a reference to Robert's only tool as he made his prediction on crudely drawn maps while on the air. "We ain't goin' nowheres til they bring back Nash," screamed Angie Catalanotto from the Westbank of New Orleans. "And dis ain't the end. When we tru here, we all goin' ova to Channel Six, den Channel 8 and let dem know how we feel. Me 'n my mamanem growed up watchin' Nash and dodgin hurricanes just like he called 'em. Me 'n Nash goes all da way back to Audrey (Hurricane Audrey which swamped Cameron Parish in Louisiana in 1957)."

Another group of "Nash-alistas" as they refer to themselves have holed up in a broom closet at the WWL-TV building taking camera man Jimmy Brown and "4 On Your Side" reporter, Bill Capo as hostages.

New Orleans Mayor, C. Ray Nagin, could not be reached for comment because he and his family had already departed the city for "higher ground."
---END---

[HURAKAN]

THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY!!!!

[skywarn]

Definately Natrually Nawlins. Very Good sunny.

[Jagno]

They forgot to include the 12 cases of beer and your aluminum boat so that you may return to your home within a couple of weeks following the hurricane parties.

I'm just a little further inland from where Audrey hit and despite all of the death and destruction some of the dumb things people do in a hurricane are truly halarious.

[Swimdude]

That was painfully amusing.

[dhweather]

Dave Barry and Lewis Grizzard - two of the best ever!