Hurricane & Himmacane Preparedness...funny!

[msbee]

The following was written by a resident of the BVI but will sound familiar for any of us who live in the hurricane belt and have had to deal with insurance companies after suffering losses.


Hurricane & Himmacane Preparedness (Part II in a series)

Interviewing the insurance companies was a cinch. Just walk in their office and they are happy to chat, provided (A) they don't have to insure me and (B) I don't use their name or the company names.

Basically, I got the same story at each company.

If you already have insurance from us, then you are covered for hurricanes automatically if either Claus A or B applies:

A- Your house has two-foot thick concrete walls reinforced with steel
or
B-Your house is located in Ethiopia

Your windows and/or glass breakages are covered for hurricanes provided:

A- You have no windows
OR
B- Your house is located in Slovakia
OR
C-You have shutters

Shutters Considerations
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, it will be December and your hands will be useless bleeding stumps.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.


If you live in the Caribbean & desire hurricane insurance:

An inspector will assess your abode, then bill you for annual insurance premiums, (roughly equal to 80% of the replacement value of your home)

***You must be insured with us 12 years before filing a claim

Filing of claims:

Once you have provided videos, pictures, receipts and complete documentation of your loss, we will take one of the following actions:

A-Forward your file (without making any duplicate copies) to our home office in Bangkok (check back in 9 months)

B- Drop you like used dental floss (you sure don't need insurance now that the hurricane has reduced your house to rubble) and give you a toll free number in India to call with your claim (the number rarely works, but try at 2:20am, and then expect a 58 minute hold, don't expect English to be spoken by many of the claims adjusters)

C-If your claim is really large, like a total loss, then we will bankrupt and pay you nothing (but we reserve the right to reopen under a different name on a different island)

PAYING THE INSURED

Usually payments are made within 3 years of filing a claim, (if they are paid at all.)

If your house appreciated by 30% since you first insured it, we will accuse you of underinsuring and cut your claim by 70%

If your house was a total loss, we will pay you after you have secured a high interest 40 year mortgage and rebuilt your house EXACTLY as before (but this time use the-two foot concrete and steel walls we now specify & don't build any windows)
Once you have secured a 2nd mortgage to pay our premiums, we might insure you, (but not for hurricanes, unless your house is located in Nepal)

REINSURACE after filing a claim

Typically, our office will have moved 4,890 miles away and our toll free number will not work from wherever you live, but if you come in our office in person, we will take your application for consideration.

Note there will be a 640% increase in premiums, (if you filed a claim and if we ever got around to paying you anything), and IF you had been a customer with us for over 40 years.

copyrighted material, reprinted by permission, DearMissMermaid@aol.com